I’m f**king innocent, Raab tells bullying investigator he has pinned against wall

DOMINIC Raab has told an independent investigator that he has never bullied anyone, while slamming him repeatedly against a wall in the House of Commons. 

Gripping Martin Bishop by the lapels, the deputy prime minister maintained he had never behaved in an intimidating manner, before giving him a wedgie and telling him to ‘F**k off, you little turd’.

Raab said: “I never bullied no one, right? Write that down. Go on, write it down. Or the next thing you’ll be investigating is, ‘Why are all my teeth on the f**king floor?’

“I treat my staff with respect. But if they fail to do their jobs there might be harsh words in the heat of the moment, or an unexpected blow to the back of the head with a half-brick I keep in a drawer. 

“It’s all part of the rough and tumble of politics. This is Westminster, not the WI. And we’re all good friends once they regain consciousness.

“Now if you don’t tell those pricks I’m completely innocent, I’m going to give you a swirlie in the toilets – on a day when Corbyn’s been in there after one of his homegrown bean medley lunches, understand?”

Bishop said: “I’d like to say, for the record, that the bullying claims surrounding Mr Raab are unfounded. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to phone my wife to send me some more dinner money.”

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Six shit biscuits only grandparents think are a treat

WHY did your grandparents make you eat fig rolls when Party Rings were available? Did they realise rationing had ended when they bought these? 

Fig rolls

The fig roll is a repulsive combination of textures. Both dry and rubbery, it’s like eating a slug packed in sand. Nor does the taste compensate as it contains barely a hint of sugar. What does your nan think she’s doing when there are chocolate Hobnobs right there on the Tesco shelf next to them?

Rich tea

The most boring biscuit conceivable. So boring you nod off lifting it from plate to mouth. Very marginally improved if dipped in tea, but highly likely to fall in and ruin your cuppa with sludge, which is worse than just being dull.

Malted milks

Your heart sinks when Granddad opens the biscuit tin and it’s full of malted milks. They’re not even that offensive – there’s a picture of a cow on them, they’re dusted with sugar – they’re just bland, beige rectangles of meh. Which you stuff down nine in a row of to be polite.

Plain digestive

A plain digestive is not so much a biscuit as a wasted opportunity. Milk chocolate ones are way better, and dark chocolate ones are even better than that. We have one precious life – and your grandparents are in the twilight of theirs – why waste it eating plain digestives? Why?

Nice biscuits

Insipid, twee and inocuous, like their name. Or is it pronounced ‘Neece’, like the French city? No-one’s ever cared enough to find out. They’re too busy hating these thin, weak little biscuits that taste of nothing in the mouth then inexplicably leave an unpleasant lingering hint of coconut.


Honestly, what the f**k? Tiny, hard, bitter little raisins sandwiched between two thin, dry bits of biscuit do not make a tasty treat. Your grandparents love them because they remind them of the good old days, in the same way they enjoy other outdated bollocks from the past like Spam and racism.