Fracking, and other things I bet you didn’t know the Queen loved. By Liz Truss

NOW is not the time for party politics. Which is why we are only passing legislation close to the Queen’s heart, such as drilling for shale oil and unlimited bankers’ bonuses.

Her Majesty was a huge fan of injecting a high-pressure mixture of water and chemicals into rock strata to release natural gas, and told me in private when we met. Sadly she cannot confirm this now, but I feel we should honour her last wish.

Queen Elizabeth was equally in favour of bankers’ bonuses. ‘Gosh, those banking chaps deserve more money,’ she said. And that’s because she believed in aspiration and the free market. In terms of our political beliefs we could almost be the same person.

She definitely would have outlawed protests like we’re doing. In the olden days the Queen would simply have had rebellious peasants massacred by knights. But as a thoroughly modern monarch, Elizabeth would have been content with 18-month prison sentences to teach them a lesson.

Elizabeth, or ‘Liz’ as she asked me to call her – my how we laughed – loved the Commonwealth. She was always visiting noble savages in Africa, and that’s where she would have wanted them to stay, not come to Britain with our baffling pedestrian crossings and buses. Which coincidentally is what our deportation policy aims to do, only with Muslims and Ukrainians too.

And finally we know that Elizabeth learned to drive a truck in World War 2. As a keen motorist she would have been opposed to speed limits on motorways. Our plucky young queen wouldn’t have chugged along at a sedate 70mph when she wasn’t afraid of Hitler!

It’s almost as if I have a psychic bond with the Queen. And that’s how I know she’ll want me to take centre stage at her funeral on Monday. Thank you for your support, Liz, and I hope they have horse racing and corgis in the afterlife.

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£150 hairdos, and other ways the cost of living crisis hits women harder

WITH only millionaires able to afford petrol and Lurpak more expensive than a coke habit, the cost of living crisis is here to stay. But one group is being hit particularly hard: women. Here’s how…

£150 haircuts

Men go to a barber’s where they get a trim in awkward silence with change out of a tenner. No such luck for females. No man truly knows what goes on in the hair salon every few weeks, but it costs a f**king fortune. Women tell of mythical ‘layers’, ‘toners’, ‘full head colours’ and ‘Brazilian blow dries’ which magically cost the same as a weekly shop for a family of four. 

Drinking cocktails

When you’re skint it makes sense to cut out unnecessary boozing. Have a couple of pints of tap water a day, or to save on your water bill, scoop it out of a puddle. Women’s taste for cocktails, fizz and spirits really isn’t appropriate right now. Especially if you’ve only gone to the bar so you don’t have to heat the house. 

Buying passive-aggressive gifts

If a woman’s friend, sister-in-law or whoever gets them a shitty present, they get a much better one in return. This doesn’t make sense to men, but it apparently shows up their meanness and teaches a lesson in generosity. So a crap gift like perfume off the market means they get proper jewellery and an expensive meal. Illogical, but as women will assure you, ‘That’ll show them!’ and it’s best not to argue.

They must be warm at all times

Women’s advice to ‘put a jumper on’ has come back to haunt them. In truth they love warmth like reptiles and have near-sexual fantasies about snug living rooms. Really they should reduce energy bills by putting on several layers, jogging in a pitch-black room to keep warm, then going straight to bed to read Grazia by candlelight. Luckily there’s another way to save money – cancelling Sky Sports packages.

Maintaining their looks

Men find it incredible how much women spend on make-up and personal care – but equally don’t want to be faced with a female population denied these essentials. Most men don’t wear make-up, shower religiously or shave their body hair. Now imagine smelly, hairy women who haven’t raised their attractiveness by at least two points with make-up. There’s clearly potential for men to start a campaign for a price cap on lip gloss and Veet strips.