NOW is not the time for party politics. Which is why we are only passing legislation close to the Queen’s heart, such as drilling for shale oil and unlimited bankers’ bonuses.
Her Majesty was a huge fan of injecting a high-pressure mixture of water and chemicals into rock strata to release natural gas, and told me in private when we met. Sadly she cannot confirm this now, but I feel we should honour her last wish.
Queen Elizabeth was equally in favour of bankers’ bonuses. ‘Gosh, those banking chaps deserve more money,’ she said. And that’s because she believed in aspiration and the free market. In terms of our political beliefs we could almost be the same person.
She definitely would have outlawed protests like we’re doing. In the olden days the Queen would simply have had rebellious peasants massacred by knights. But as a thoroughly modern monarch, Elizabeth would have been content with 18-month prison sentences to teach them a lesson.
Elizabeth, or ‘Liz’ as she asked me to call her – my how we laughed – loved the Commonwealth. She was always visiting noble savages in Africa, and that’s where she would have wanted them to stay, not come to Britain with our baffling pedestrian crossings and buses. Which coincidentally is what our deportation policy aims to do, only with Muslims and Ukrainians too.
And finally we know that Elizabeth learned to drive a truck in World War 2. As a keen motorist she would have been opposed to speed limits on motorways. Our plucky young queen wouldn’t have chugged along at a sedate 70mph when she wasn’t afraid of Hitler!
It’s almost as if I have a psychic bond with the Queen. And that’s how I know she’ll want me to take centre stage at her funeral on Monday. Thank you for your support, Liz, and I hope they have horse racing and corgis in the afterlife.