Give him a nasty gold prize: remarkably easy ways for the BBC to defuse the Trump situation

11th November 2025

PRESIDENT Trump has threatened to sue the BBC for one billion dollars for saying he did things he actually, provably did. However, he is easily placated:

Invest in Trump crypto

Trump’s meme coin, $TRUMP, is a conduit for bribes. The BBC could promise to invest a large sum in his remarkable cryptocurrency and to give it their full backing. And then, as he has no understanding of crypto, simply tell him they’ve done so ‘but it got stuck in the blockchain so you’ll have to flush the meme receptors.’ It will end there.

Give him a nasty gold prize

Pull an award off the shelves of the BBC’s trophy room, perhaps something nobody cares about from the 1950s. Polish it up, rename it the BBC Global Peace, Wisdom, Sagacity And Peak Physical Health Prize and have chair Samir Shah, who shows promise as a lickspittle, present it to him in the Oval Office.

A special episode/series of The Apprentice

The BBC owns the UK rights, so simply offer Trump a special or a series slathered in fake praise, the voiceover referring to ‘the world’s most successful businessman, Donald J Trump’ and so on. Guests can be the right-wing influencers which are the show’s only successful product, like Katie Hopkins and the ‘bosh!’ bloke, and he will love it.

Offer him Millie Gibson

Doctor Who is on hiatus again, companion Millie Gibson is free, and she could be gifted to Trump because young blonde cuties resembling his daughter are very much his type. Not actual sex trafficking such as his close friend Jeffrey Epstein did, just a temporary lend. Tess Daly is free, but at only 23 years younger than Trump she would be an insult.

Refurbish a Concorde

A free plane worked for Qatar and there’s a Concorde in storage at Heathrow. All it needs is a quick service and an all-over gilding; the gang from Your Home Made Perfect could do that. The phallic 80s styling will appeal Trump, and if it disintegrates mid-air with Donnie, JD Vance, Pete Hegseth, and Kristi Noem inside? Ah well.

Help Farage become Trump prime minister

Trump cares about Nigel no more than a penis cares about a urinal, but he’d definitely love bragging: ‘I said you gotta elect this guy Farage and they did it, smart move…’ So all the BBC needs to do is to let Farage wang on unchallenged on as many TV shows as possible, requiring no change of editorial policy whatsoever.

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Are you right-wing enough to become the next BBC director general?

10th November 2025

YOU might be the most right-wing person in your local branch of Wetherspoons at 2.45pm on a Monday, but are you right-wing enough to run the BBC? Find out:

What is the most urgent problem facing Britain today?

A) Immigration
B) Immigration, the holding of incorrect opinions about Israel, and the undemocratic denial of a general election even though Reform are ahead in the polls
C) Immigration, the rise of fascism not being covered positively enough, the shameful refusal to hire Tommy Robinson as a One Show host, and what that man said at Glastonbury

What is the BBC’s most important mission?

A) To ‘educate, inform and entertain from a sensibly right-of-centre perspective’, like Lord Reith said
B) To educate viewers that lefties are wrong, inform them of their duty to vote Reform in 2029, and entertain them by broadcasting public executions
C) To sell off Strictly, EastEnders and The Traitors to commercial broadcasters, invite GB News to take over, and become a worldwide voice for white supremacy

How can the BBC help the nation?

A) By abandoning any post-1979 programming and running good old politically incorrect repeats 24 hours a day to properly turn back the clock
B) By gently guiding us to a new Anglo-Saxon Christian dawn by sugar-coating, in a lovely establishment way, the necessary mass deaths
C) By providing lists of anyone who’s ever listened to Radio 4 or 6Music so we can begin with them

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Sorry, but you’re far too left-biased to run the BBC. Or to last long in the brave new world it will usher in.

Mostly Bs: Nice try, but your moderate, centrist views are frankly offensive to decent people and you’ll soon be held to account for them. Enjoy your show trial.

Mostly Cs: You were an excellent candidate, but we’re really looking for someone hardline neo-Nazi. The Telegraph would have you kicked out within a week anyway.

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