TODAY’S Caerphilly by-election could be a step towards Reform winning the most seats in Wales, polls suggest. But as a party known for their old-school prejudices, here is some advice for candidates.
Don’t mention sheep-shagging
It’s a proven fact that the Welsh love bestiality, but don’t mention it in case it costs you votes. Just avoid campaigning near sheep farms unless you want be mentally scarred by the sight of dozens of orgasmic Welshmen balls-deep in ewes.
Try not to make up imaginary place names
When in Wales, your natural instinct is to make up a hilarious place name such as ‘Llani-llechi-loggi-woggi’ while pretending to hawk up phlegm. It’s funny because the Welsh language is stupid, but it may be seen as a tired stereotype. If you’re going to josh with voters, keep the tone light, eg. ‘Burned any holiday cottages recently?’
Don’t call them Taffy
When you’re trying to win over voters, it’s probably best not to refer to them all as ‘Taffy’, a corruption of the name ‘Dafydd’, their illiterate version of ‘David’. It’s sad that you have to go along with this woke nonsense, but keep your offensive slurs for X where no one can see them.
Remember they’re not all referred to by their job
Apparently not all Welsh people adopt a name based on their job, eg. Evans the Post. This makes sense in a way; it would explain why you’ve never heard of Jones the Consultant Proctologist or Davies the IT Support.
Apparently some Welsh aren’t thieves
‘Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief, he came to stay at our house and stole a leg of beef’ goes the rhyme grans repeat at any mention of Wales. It’s true because there’s no smoke without fire, but it’s best not to bring it up on the doorstep. That said, keep an eye on your phone and any meat products you have with you.
Gloss over their obsession with leeks
Some Welshies will roll their eyes at witticisms like ‘I suppose it’s leeks for dinner again’, so hold your tongue. Of course we all know they do eat leeks every single day, after choir practise wearing hats shaped like plant pots in Methodist chapels in the Valleys near Charlotte Church’s Hamas training camp.
Don’t say ‘Ivor the Engine!’ at random
When someone mentions Wales or you hear a Welsh accent it’s natural to shout out: ‘Ivor the Engine!’ However that could go down badly with Welsh snowflakes who claim to be tired of hearing about it. Frankly they should be proud of their greatest, and only, cultural achievement. By Englishman Oliver Postgate, of course.