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All women's sexts peer reviewed

WOMEN have confirmed every sexually explicit text message they send goes through comprehensive rounds of group evaluation.

Unlike men, who clumsily fire off crude, misspelled messages about their arousal with their free hand, women submit their sexts to a rigorous peer review process before sending.

Woman Helen Archer said: “As with an academic paper, all sexts are screened for originality and validity. Anything as unoriginal as ‘you make my pussy moist’ with a water droplet emoji won’t make it past drafts. 

“The first step is the proposal. This breaks down the overall theme of the sext and outlines the author’s feelings. For example: The Impact Of Seeing Your Forearms Last Thursday As I Lie Awake At 2am Playing With My Vibrator: A Study.

“Once this is approved, the first version is sent to editors for critique. They’ll fact-check claims like ‘you’re the hottest man I’ve ever seen’ and ‘I love giving head’ before returning it with notes for revision. 

“The whole process can be completed via group chat in a few minutes so as not to disrupt the flow of a conversation. If we need to stall for time a particularly lascivious bikini pic from the archives usually does it. 

“Then we sit back and wait for the reply. Which is almost universally substandard so the recipient is advised to ghost him.”

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Run squawking through an Edinburgh Wool Mill and a fetish shop: how to get Claudia's Traitors style

CLAUDIA Winkleman’s outfits on The Traitors have ordinary people aghast and divorced authoritarian middle-managers wondering how to get the look. Follow these tips: 

Go to Scotland

Travel north of the border – no, not the one between Watford and the civilised world, but the one past that where there used to be a wall – and observe the fashions. Not the ordinary Scot in Trespass coat and jeans, but the fashions you see on shortbread tins and tourist sites. Then, with a twist of your perverted mind, sex them up.

Get yourself tarred and feathered

Either by a craftsman you’re paying in heroin, the Scots currency, or by visiting a small Highland village and behaving like a slut so they’ll do it for free. Once tarred up locate your nearest Edinburgh Wool Mill with an adjoining shop selling fetishwear; there are known locations in Dumfries, Stirling, Kirkcaldy and Fort William.

Tumble wildly through both locales

Allow the tar to pick up tartans, sporrans, rubber chaps and leather corsets as you fall through the shops, feigning typical Scottish mid-morning drunkenness. Grab handfuls. Imagine you’re dressing William Wallace in his over-exuberant ‘I’ve just come out and I’m hitting the Glasgow gay clubs’ phase.

Dress to clash

Now you’ve got your wardrobe, choose only the most clashing items. Bondage pants and arisaid? Dirk and nipple clamps? Bagpipes and gimp suit? All are perfect for presenting a BBC parlour game and remember, heels should be spiked.

Wear it for ten minutes of screen time maximum

Remember, fashion is about making an entrance and once everyone’s gaped at your kilt-and-strap-on combo, you’ve had the value out of it. For the next segment slip into something new and even more transgressive. Perhaps a skin suit made of Nicola Sturgeon?

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