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How to explain the nightmarish world before Brexit to the young

TEN years since Britain voted for freedom, many of today’s young people do not remember and cannot imagine life under the EU jackboot. Tell them the facts: 

You owe your lives to Brexit

Anyone aged 18 and over would be dead if not for Brexit, conscripted by the EU Army and used as cannon fodder in one of its costly banana wars. Remoaners say there is no army and no war, but if you believed that no-one would ever have voted for Brexit.

Leavers were ruthlessly persecuted

‘Racist’, ‘Little Englander’ and ‘gammon’ were all slurs hurled at Brexiters in the worst persecution history has every known. But by far the most common insult was that they were ‘thick’, all because they challenged so-called facts like ‘Britain recouped its entirely legitimate EU membership fee at least four times over’.

Sending fish by post was incredibly difficult

Brexit hero Boris Johnson famously mocked the EU for requiring an ‘ice pillow’ when sending kippers by post. Apparently a British rule designed to prevent listeria, but that’s irrelevant. Nowadays interfering Eurocrats can’t touch you when you take a jiffy bag of smoked mackerel to the Post Office.

The Brexit Wars cost millions of lives

Literally millions of Brexiters sacrificed themselves in the Brexit Wars of 2016. They may have died from old age rather than in a burning Spitfire or on the beaches of Normandy, but these selfless patriots gave everything so future generations would be free not to use millilitres. Captain Tom was one of them, sort of.

If you became ill before Brexit you would die

Before Brexit, healthcare in Britain didn’t exist. But in 2017 Nigel Farage founded the NHS with the £350 million a week he got back from the EU, and now every Briton has access to modern medical treatment. There may be a 12-hour wait in A&E, but that’s basically an immersive theatre version of Holby City.

A British passport was a badge of shame

Our burgundy passports were a daily reminder that the British lion had been castrated and our people were slaves. Now when you produce a mighty dark blue British passport in an airport, other Europeans pretend not to notice. Why? Because they were too cowardly to join the resistance.

There was none of the technology Gen Z take for granted

Before Brexit there was no TikTok, earbuds had wires attached, and you couldn’t make AI porn of your biology teacher. Was Brexit responsible for these technological marvels? Let’s say ‘maybe’. It’s best not to get too specific about the ineffable miracle of Brexit.

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Six very convincing reasons why we've never had a female leader, by Labour

WHY parachute a man from Manchester into Westminster when Angela Rayner is right there and ready to serve? For these perfectly understandable reasons: 

Female leaders are very Tory

Voters, like ladies, are delicate. They might mix up our bird with previous woman prime ministers, all Conservative, and accidentally vote the wrong way. The Tories can choose a woman because they believe anyone, regardless of gender, should have the right to slash public services. Whereas a Labour woman giving out benefits seems a soft touch.

Leading Labour is very physical

People think it’s all speeches, but have they ever tried carrying a fully-costed manifesto up three flights of stairs? The leader is expected to shake hundreds of hands, walk confidently around factories while wearing a hard hat and nod thoughtfully.  These are specialised skills passed down from father to son, like stonemasonry. Women would be lost.

Our voters are already progressive

The Conservatives need women to cover up their sexist policies. As we already know what’s good for chicks, it’s fine for us to govern in their name. The party has a proud history of championing women. We’ve made speeches about them, written reports about them, established working groups about them and, on occasion, even listened to them.

She wouldn’t enjoy it

The first female Labour leader in over a century of party history would attract enormous attention. Every decision scrutinised. Every speech analysed. Every outfit discussed. It would be exhausting, for her and us. Far kinder to spare a woman that ordeal and let a middle-aged white man pass all but unnoticed through Downing Street.

They don’t want the job

We checked thoroughly by asking three women MPs whether they fancy becoming leader while Andy Burnham stood there scowling. Unsurprisingly, they said they were focused on constituents. That’s ladies for you – selfless. Also they don’t have the same taste for betraying close friends, with the exception of Lady Macbeth.

We’re waiting for the right one

We’d love a female leader. But she must simultaneously unite every wing of the party, appeal to voters in every constituency, never make a mistake, have ministerial experience, outsider appeal, insider knowledge and avoid being described as either too ambitious or not ambitious enough. The search continues.

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