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Impressed public didn't think Labour had a scandal of this magnitude in them

THE British electorate is quietly impressed with the sheer traitorous evil of the Lord Mandelson scandal equalling anything done by the Tories. 

The revelation that Lord Mandelson leaked sensitive information to a convicted paedophile financier to despose a prime minister has the public marvelling at Labour’s ability to pull off wrongdoing on such monumental scale.

Martin Bishop of Holyhead said: “It’s always the shy, boring political parties you least expect, isn’t it? Congratulations to everyone involved.

“I thought the Starmer administration had peaked with Angela Rayner vaping in a dinghy. I was resigned to it limping along with nothing but legally barring a sitting mayor from a by-election or a junior chess club champion outrage to keep us entertained.

“But this one? Bringing back a New Labour grandee for him literally to be caught with his trousers down? Emails alternately selling secrets to bankers and checking his boyfriend’s still on the payroll? A masterstroke.

“Under investigation by police? Stepping down from the Lords? Soon to flee to a country with no extradition treaty? This is like Profumo for the modern day. History-making stuff. I bet the cabinet’s ecstatic.”

Nikki Hollis from Newcastle said: “This shitstorm connects Labour to Epstein, to Andrew, and to Trump, reminds you of what a twat Blair was and besmirches Brown’s judgement. It’s the Avengers: Endgame of f**k ups.

“I just hope they’ve kept something in reserve. We’ll need at least one asphyxia-wank furore to tide us over until the election.”

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Was your time at uni worth £53K? A brutally honest audit

MARTYN Lewis has criticised the student loan system which leaves graduates with unpayable debts of £53,000. Was your time at uni worth such a hefty sum?

Gigs

The live music scene is touted as a reason to go to decent universities, but memories of seeing Fred Again at Leicester SU do not justify a lifetime of debt. And the union’s political leanings mean it’s usually indie acts who say the right things about Palestine who get booked, so actually it’s Sleaford Mods, Bob Vylan, Idles, Sleaford Mods again.

Sex

Universities can’t put ‘You’ll get laid, guaranteed’ on the prospectus for legal reasons. But, surrounded as you are by hot young singles with no gender imbalance unless you study engineering, it’s likely. Whether that’s worth £53k at nine per cent is another matter. That buys a great many Tinder dates or if you’re into honesty, escorts.

Alcohol savings

Cheap booze has always been a perk of university, but even with pints at an optimistic £2 you’d need to drink an impractical 35 every day to recoup your debt. The rapid weight gain would limit your social life to Warhammer Soc and blue chip employers are traditionally unwilling to recruit graduate trainees in the final stages of liver failure.

Increased earnings

The average graduate salary is £42k, £10k higher than non-graduates, so it’s pretty much guaranteed you’ll benefit financially in the long term. Sadly, it also means a lifetime of being told aggressively ‘you should have learned a trade’ by twats who don’t go around furiously telling plumbers they really f**ked up by not knowing the key themes of Middlemarch.

Fashion

University is a chance to explore your authentic self and your personal style, and the results are usually criminal. White-boy dreads, goth make-up for 9am lectures, dungarees. If you fell for the peer pressure that makes those cool, you shouldn’t be paying loans but receiving compensation for spending your prime years looking such a dick.

Acquiring knowledge

Supposedly the point. But who really cares about the factions in the Spanish Civil War? It’s over. Likewise if you’re working with isotopes of Mendelevium, you won’t be expected to refer to your lecture notes. Nobody’s ever pulled by summarising the arguments of Kant, so you must conclude this is one area where university definitely isn’t worth it.

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