Jeremy Hunt makes his move on the nation's MILFs

JEREMY Hunt’s offer of free childcare is actually a ploy to shag every sexy mum in the UK, it has emerged.

The support for mothers facing exorbitant child minder costs is intended to make the chancellor, who looks like an abnormally tall rodent, incredibly sexually attractive.

Hunt said: “The hot mums will come flocking. Treasury research shows there are millions of them stuck at home with annoying kids so I’ll be only too glad to show them my big package. Of childcare measures.

“Once the MILFs and yummy mummies turn up at 11 Downing Street, moist with gratitude, I’ll suggest discussing the shortage of affordable child minders in the UK in the bedroom over a glass of champagne. I’m going to be up to my neck in experienced muff. 

“I’ll be banging them and sending them on their way quicker than Tom Jones. I don’t know how I’ll find time to run the economy and stop it shrinking. So no change there.” 

Mother-of-three Carolyn Ryan said: “I’d barely noticed Hunt before. He sort of merges into the background like smug mist, but this new policy is a real turn-on for me.

“I’ve been fantasising that Jeremy and I are Dutch, with well-funded childcare and easy access to shared parental leave. Then we explore each other’s nether regions sensuously at our leisure with my four-year-old Oscar thankfully somewhere else.”

Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “I’d do anything to get my wife going like Jeremy has. Apart from look after the kids for the day. Being cuckolded by Hunt is preferable to that f**king nightmare.”

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Dramatically lower your standards, and five other brutal dating tips

NOT having much luck finding love? Here are some brutal dating tips to help you at least get a perfunctory shag.

Dramatically lower your standards

If you’ve been struggling to find someone for a while, it’s not that the right person hasn’t come along, it’s that you’ve set the bar way too high. By abandoning your standards in terms of looks, income and personality, you’ll find yourself with a huge pool of ugly, unsuccessful twats to choose from. Sex will repulse you, but you’ll be quite the catch!

Make sure your dealbreakers aren’t f**king stupid

When you were young and gorgeous you could afford to turn someone down because they said ‘pacific’ when they meant ‘specific’ or thought home brewing was an acceptable hobby. Now you’re losing your looks and increasingly desperate, so it’s time to bite the bullet and overlook that CAMRA membership or New Age crystals bullshit unless you want to die alone.

People don’t improve

If on the first date they’re rude, stupid, smelly, boring or sexist, don’t be so desperate you convince yourself they’ll change under your influence. They won’t, even if you buy them free deodorant for the rest of their life and a copy of The Female Eunuch. These are genuine dealbreakers, but it’ll be too late to bale once you’re shackled to a mortgage and three kids.

‘Nice’ is unlikely to grow into ‘raging passion’

Been on a few dates with someone who’s quite pleasant and harmless and can’t bear to break it off because they’re ‘nice’? Stop being such a wimp. If you didn’t fancy shagging them on the first date, you won’t suddenly start because you’ve been to a few National Trust properties together. Do them and yourself a favour: tell them they’re dull as shit and move on. They’ll thank you for alerting them to their sexual unattractiveness later.

Just give up now

Honestly, is there any point? People are largely annoying bastards, so do you want to tether yourself to one who is constantly present, breathing loudly, picking their ears and turning the kitchen into a bomb site even when they’re just making a sandwich? Get a hamster, they’re less fuss and die an awful lot quicker.