Kneecap: 'Oh shit'

THE controversial Irish rap act Kneecap have issued a new statement in the light of their call to kill MPs and back Hezbollah, reading simply ‘Oh shit’. 

The band, set to be the latest favourite of people who prefer politics to music on the festival circuit this summer, have suddenly discovered shouting controversial stuff has certain consequences.

Fan Oli O’Connor, who was previously bang into Sleaford Mods, said: “What are Kneecap worried about? I thought they were tough and uncompromising, like me on Twitter.

“Apologising for saying ‘kill your MP’ just because it’s offended the families of murdered MPs? That’s not the band I play loudly on the bus to show everyone how radical my politics are.

“They’re tough, cool, definitely not the kind of guys who’d weasel out of saying ‘Up Hamas, Up Hezbollah’ by saying it was taken out of context. Unafraid of getting their Glastonbury slot cancelled or losing their sell-out US tour. It would be a badge of honour for them.”

A spokesman for the band said: “In addition to ‘Oh shit’, the boys would like to add ‘f**k, f**k, f**k’ and ‘we thought we’d get away with it by rapping in Irish’.”

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Bastard couple who've never worked on themselves in happy, loving relationship

A SICKENING couple who have never improved themselves in any way are in a committed, loving relationship.

Neither Jack Browne and Lauren Hewitt has made any effort to overcome their innate emotional immaturity like single people have to if they want to find a partner, but are nonetheless seemingly in love.

Browne said: “Yeah, I guess we’ve just worked past our unresolved issues? Or they fit together so neatly we don’t notice them.

“We just struck up conversation in a cafe and went from there. I’ve never had to re-evaluate my personality in the middle of the night or spend hundrends on counselling to help me find a partner. I’d recommend it.”

Hewitt said: “Not only does Jack accept me for who I am, I’m fine with who he is. I guess that’s why were not single, lonely, and suffering hundreds of algorithmic rejections every day.

“If you have to develop a stronger sense of self then it probably means you’re broken and shouldn’t be in a relationship anyway. Perhaps you should fill the void with a cat.”

Single friend Charlotte Phelps said: “I’ve bought a new self-help book called ‘F**k Him, F**k Them, F**k Everyone, They’re All Wankers: Putting Yourself First’. That should fix me.”