Labour confirms they will do the bleeding obvious

LABOUR’S rail nationalisation plans have confirmed they are a party unafraid to do the entirely obvious thing if they feel it benefits Britain.

The plan to stand back, do nothing and let every terrible, failing rail franchise in the country revert to state ownership sets a worrying precedent of common-sense decisions that will pay off.

Westminster journalist Sue Traherne said: “It begins with nationalising rail. It could end with nurses being paid a living wage. That’s what we’re facing.

“It’s easy to say ‘stop dumping sewage in the sea’ or ‘build more windfarms’ or ‘why have we privatised all our schools?’ Easy and populist. You know who else was a populist? Donald Trump and Hitler.

“Yes, all these policies will certainly work, but is that a reason to pursue them? Where’s the role for the private sector seeking a huge profit from public services? Where’s the opportunity to load our utilities with billions in debt then sell them on? I’m not seeing one.

“With this, Labour have exposed themselves as unimaginative in-the-box thinkers. Do we want to return to the dark days of British Rail where tedious trains ran predictably on time but paying £8.20 for a chicken chipotle wrap on board was impossible?”

Sir Keir Starmer said: “I am a boring man with boring ideas like taking rail franchises off companies that cannot run them. I apologise.”

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Nigel Farage 'will be allowed to make love to Lee Anderson on air' - Ofcom

NIGEL Farage and Lee Anderson having full sex live on GB News does not contravene election coverage rules, according to Ofcom.

The TV watchdog said that if the former UKIP leader and dense ex-miner began kissing, followed by increasingly heavy petting and ultimately penetrative sex, it would fall into the category of ‘erotic programming’.

An Ofcom spokesperson said: “Nigel and Lee having sex is acceptable because there is no consensus on whether we should ban news shows hosted by politicians. Nor is it our job to censor hot man-on-man action. In fact I’m not entirely sure what it is we do.

“A clear view of an erect penis would obviously fall foul of existing obscenity laws, but we still wouldn’t intervene because we are utterly toothless and refuse to penalise right-wing news outlets that lie blatantly and constantly.

“Really it is incumbent upon Farage and Anderson – and Laurence Fox and Quentin Letts if present – to ensure their shared love of Brexit and hatred of woke does not boil over into a series of explicit sex acts. Or they can if they want.”

TV viewer Donna Sheridan said: “GB News is the only channel that keeps me in an ill-informed bubble of right-wing propaganda and regurgitated tabloid myths. I expect the transgenders are still all pretending to be cats and helicopters, am I right?

“I’m normally a rabid homophobe but we Brexiters instantly change our views to accommodate anyone who hates immigrants. So come on Nigel and Lee, let’s see some massive cumshots!”