Labour to trust in good sense and judgement of teenagers

PEOPLE who Snapchat their genitals to each other while watching Hollyoaks should be allowed to vote, according to Labour.

The party’s plan to lower the voting age to 16 would give thousands of teenagers who think of Britney Spears as a village elder the chance to choose who runs the country.

A Labour Party spokesman said: “We are keen to get voters who don’t remember what Britain was like under a Blair or Brown administration on the electoral roll so they can vote for us, the cool party.

“If you’ve already chosen your favourite imaginary gay relationship between One Direction members – mine’s Niall and Zayn, by the way – then picking a prime minister is a breeze.”

16-year-old Stephen Malley said: “Labour can count on my vote if it doesn’t shirk from the big issues, like whether I should be allowed to go to Ibiza with just my mates.

“Also I want Ed Miliband to stop my mum blaming me for borrowing her car without permission then writing it off.

“It wasn’t my fault, everyone knows Fiestas tip over easily.”

Pollster Tom Logan said: “We tried making the whole thing a bit more X-Factor last time with the TV debates. But girls always end up sympathy-voting for the sad eyed hopeless underdog which explains Nick Clegg.”

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Russia just so gay

RUSSIA could not be gayer if it tried, it has been claimed.

Experts cite new anti-gay laws so stringent that they are positively flaming, an often-shirtless president and the fact that its mascot is a bear.

Also Russians are great at chess, which is basically men staring at each other.

The nation’s bear fixation dates back to the 18th century, when the tsar’s hunting party encountered a hot lumberjack.

Historian Emma Bradford said: “This hot man-grizzly was burly but toned, with his shirt undone to the navel revealing thick, lustrous chest hair.

“The tsar took him to a bar where they danced to Tetris music and drank flavoured vodka, and afterwards decreed that a bearish man should be the nation’s symbol.

“But his advisors said they should use an actual bear instead, otherwise that might look just too gay.”

Professor Julian Cook, from Roehampton University, said: “Russian history is one of self-denial. They have abundant land, food and energy and yet they refuse to allow themselves to be a successful society.

“But the self-denial starts between their thighs.”

He added: “Russians call their country the ‘Motherland’, but they should remember that a lot of mothers are incredibly supportive of their gay sons.”

Meanwhile, Kremlin insiders have claimed the new laws were actually designed to provoke a Winter Olympic boycott because Putin finds the bobsleigh ‘horrifyingly erotic’.

A Kremlin source said: “He also wants to host a Saturday night TV show where he harangues gay men.

“They will sit in a hard wooden chair while he stands over them, shouting at them for two hours about what they do with their penises.

“He wants to call it Dirty Boys.”