'Lol', confirm Starmer and Rayner

SIR Keir Starmer and Angela Rayner have released an official statement after being cleared by Durham police simply reading ‘Lol’. 

The Labour leader and deputy leader were investigated for Beergate, a scandal invented by right-wing newspapers, cleared completely and plan an epic piss-up this afternoon.

A spokesman said: “Sir Keir and Angela are out at the pub right now. I mean, you can’t blame them, can you? What a hilarious end to an absolutely cracking week.

“They’ll start easy this afternoon with a few pints outside a Westminster pub, probably raising an ironic toast to ‘Sir Beer Korma’, a phrase the Sun invented that it might not be finding so funny today.

“I imagine they’ll raise a glass to Boris being hoyed out of office for being a lying prick while they get shitfaced. Angela might order a bottle of Veuve Clicquot just to wind up Dominic Raab.

“After that they’ll see where the day takes them – probably an ironic curry – but they want to reinforce that this is f**king hilarious, that they’ve never had more to celebrate, and that it doesn’t matter which twat the Tories elect because even pissed they could kick their arse handily.”

He added: “And just to repeat, for the sake of clarity and schadenfreude: ‘Lol’.”

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Greatest hits albums which really nosedive after three tracks

NOT all greatest hits albums are created equal. For every Abba Gold or Greatest Hits by Queen, there are more than a few blatantly padded out with filler. Like these. 

Phil Collins …Hits

Get past Against All Odds and Another Day in Paradise and you’re in a wasteland of bland Mondeo driver tunes. The former frontman-who-actually-sat-at-the-back even re-released this album to cash in on In The Air Tonight being made somehow relevant by a giant gorilla doing the drum part to flog chocolate. Can’t blame him, he’s had a lot of divorces to pay for.

Right Said Fred – Hits!

Leather-clad boiled eggs the Fairbrass Brothers are a pair of tits and two-hit wonders. Did I’m Too Sexy and Deeply Dippy merit a greatest hits? The thrusting goons became more sinister in recent years – defying lockdown, refusing to wear masks, spreading anti-vax sentiments and appearing on the livestream of a neo-nazi. At the same time as trying to release a comeback single. Great strategy.

Ant and Dec – The Essential Collection

Considering the only song anyone remembers is Let’s Get Ready to Rhumble it’s pretty impressive, or tragic, that these lads have five, yes FIVE, greatest hits albums. ‘Essential’ implies their other compilations aren’t vital to own, but you’ll easily get hold of a copy in your local charity shop or fly-tipped down a side street, and they’re all identical. Or just download ‘Rhumble’. It’s only 79p. And no, we don’t know why it’s spelled like that either.

Simply Red – Greatest Hits

Hucknall and his cronies somehow manage to condense five studio albums-worth of material into two half-decent songs surrounded by a load of old toss. What keeps you hooked is Mick’s pure charisma. Just kidding, he’s as unbearable as f**k. Cleverly, they leave the big hit Fairground until the final track, probably to make sure you don’t turn it off during the 45 minutes of shite that precedes it. Or it’s in honour of Mick himself – who now looks like a toffee apple rolled in some candy floss.

Jamiroquai – High Times

One thing Jay Kay can’t pull out of his giant hat is enough good music to justify a greatest hits album. There’s Virtual Insanity, which everyone knows, and after racking your brain slightly, Space Cowboy and Deeper Underground. After that you’ll be drawing a blank. Just like the poor sod at the record company who had to put the greatest hits album together.