Lord Lebedev of Siberia a proper English gent, Johnson explains

THE prime minister has explained that Lord Lebedev of Siberia is a true English gentleman who enjoys nothing more than a game of cricket on the Nenetsky tundra. 

Johnson, who ennobled the scion of a KGB agent against the advice of security services last year, told media that nobody could be more British than the Moscow-born millionaire.

He continued: “Eugene? He makes me look Russian, and I have the perfectly Home Counties name Boris.

“He likes nothing more than walking his pet wolf, also called Boris, along Hampstead Heath while sipping black tea from a china teacup with his pinky extended, discoursing on writers like Dostoyevsky and Gogol and how they make Dickens look ‘like sheethead’.

“An invitation to his charming home in the grounds of Hampton Court Palace, or ‘dacha’ as he calls it, leaves you in no doubt of his Englishness. It’s covered in paintings of royalty like Nicholas II or Ivan Vasilyevich and he’s hired George Osborne as a butler.

“Lebby, as I call him, is also a terrific laugh. Once he starts knocking back the vodka why, he’s sexist, deeply prejudiced and prone to sudden outbursts of violence – the very image of a proper British lad.”

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Prostitution is a great way to find the right guy: Six films with a terrible message

DOES your favourite movie push a message that, actually, when you think about it, is deeply f**ked-up? Don’t follow these examples: 

Pretty Woman: meet your dream guy via streetwalking

Sunset Boulevard hooker Vivian meets a rich, handsome man who falls in love with her. Even more magically, he’s her first client and she hasn’t had to sleep with hundreds of fat, ugly, unhygienic perverts hassling her for vile sex acts. It’s just not a good way to meet men, though it is a good way of getting a drug addiction and an STD.

Die Hard: extreme violence will win your wife back

John McClane’s marriage is in trouble because he has a drink problem and isn’t around for his kids. At the end of the movie his wife presumably thinks ‘Still got a drink problem, still won’t have time for the kids, has now killed 10 people with no sign of remorse. In fact was cracking jokes. Yep, let’s give it another go.’

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory: you’ll get your dream job by chance

At the end Wonka decides Charlie Bucket will inherit the factory. How did he prove his worth? By winning a lottery and only f**king around a bit with dangerous experimental confectionary technology you’re not meant to touch that’s mutilated four children that day. Amazing business skills, Charlie.

The Rise of Skywalker: it’s all about nepotism

In all Star Wars movies, you only get to use the Force if you’re of Skywalker or Palpatine lineage. A great message for kids: ‘You want to be a galactic aristocrat? Well neither of your parents are, so set your sights more on a factory job scraping out chicken guts.’

Atomic Blonde: women can win fights against many much bigger men

In fairness this is most movies these days, but Atomic Blonde’s famous fight scene takes down six armed men and while unarmed combat techniques undoubtedly make you quite hard, they don’t magically make you larger. A message that’s both empowering and would f**k you up if tried in real life.

Grease: peer group acceptance is vital

Possibly the only film to celebrate mindless conformity. Sandy undergoes a makeover and personality change to fit in with the zero-prospects greasers. Any sequel would feature Sandy and Danny as a married couple running a Delaware gas station with John Travolta performing ‘Gas Pump Jockey (On Minimum Wage)’.