Miliband recruits the Punisher

ED Miliband is hoping to invigorate the shadow cabinet with the appointment of Marvel Comics character the Punisher.

It is hoped the brutal vigilante superhero will put the government on the defensive with his imposing physical presence, uncompromising moral code and large arsenal of weaponry.

Miliband said: “The Punisher is exactly the sort of ‘big hitter’ we need in the run-up to the general election, especially given the shadow cabinet’s singular lack of testosterone.

“He believes that injustice should be met with extremely violent retribution, which makes him the ideal person to speak out on issues like the bedroom tax and Atos assessments.

“His interest in brutal justice was sparked by seeing his family murdered by mobsters, so he’ll probably be a good spokesman on crime and family issues too.

“Also he tends to carry a machine gun around with him, so the Tories probably won’t take the piss out of him like they do with me.”

The Punisher, former special forces operative Frank Castle, said: “Joining the shadow cabinet is an excellent opportunity to punish people who aren’t just criminals or supervillains.

“David Cameron clearly lied about privatising the NHS, something I intend to force him to admit by either dangling him from the top of a building or cutting off his fingers one by one.

“I also intend to raise the issue of disabled people being declared fit to work with Iain Duncan Smith, which may involve me burning him to death with a flamethrower.

“I must be careful with my expenses though, or I’ll have to punish myself.”

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Train companies praised for punctuality of fare increases

RAIL fare increases have arrived bang on time yet again.

The price increases will be unaffected by technical failure, leaves or something that happened two days ago near Swindon with some children and a breeze block.

43-year-old commuter Tom Logan said: “They can’t run a transport network for shit they deliver price increases with smooth, machine-like regularity.

“Ever since I’ve been commuting I don’t think there’s ever been a delay in the price going up. Nor has the promised price increase ever been replaced by a bus.

“The effortless, almost robotic efficiency with which the cost of my ticket goes up would impress even Kraftwerk. They’d probably write an album about it called Expensive Trains or The Empty Wallet Man-Machine.”

Office worker Emma Bradford said: “It’s quite a logistical feat, printing all those tickets with the higher prices on, making sure the desk staff are briefed to charge us more and ensuring that large fines are in place for anyone with the wrong type of ticket.

“It’s just great work.”

Logan added: “They should re-nationalise the trains so at least they could be shit in a fair way.”