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Peter Mandelson stripped of Prince of Darkness title

PETER Mandelson will no longer be referred to as the Prince of Darkness or enjoy the benefits of the title, it has been confirmed.

As well as losing his job and stepping down from the House of Lords, Mandelson must give up his ‘Prince of Darkness’ title because he is a terrible representative of Satanism and the hellish underworld.

A government spokesperson said: “It’s only fair. He’s disgraced the good name of the Devil with his lies and cowardly behaviour.

“Being the Prince of Darkness carries certain responsibilities. The public expects them to overthrow God or lead people into temptation. Fawning over Jeffrey Epstein falls significantly short, even if he was a wrong ’un.

“He didn’t even look the part. Where were the horns and cloven hooves? Admittedly it would be impractical for him to carry a novelty pitchfork around, but he should have at least grown a goatee.

“Going forward, Mandelson will also be unable to possess you, shapeshift, or control the dead. Plus he’s going to be kicked out of his home in the deepest pits of Hell as soon as a new residence is found.

“In the meantime, Prince George will pick up his duties. Hail Satan.”

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Who won't be the next Labour leader because they're not even close to being ready?

THE race is on to be prime minister with all the candidates entirely unprepared and half not even willing to run. We outline the odds:

Wes Streeting, health secretary

The only person even close to replacing Starmer because he’s in cabinet and people have heard of him, Streeting’s chances of being the next leader are only damaged by being widely unpopular with centrists, venomously hated by the left and having called Peter Mandelson his ‘best pal’.

Odds 5-2

Angela Rayner, former deputy prime minister

Out of cabinet after a stamp duty scandal, Rayner is backed by the Daily Mail just for the sheer joy it would take in tearing her apart. The flame-haired working-class temptress, blamed for destabilising the Boris Johnson administration by making him think of fanny, is unlikely to run because she only found out she was meant to this morning.

Odds 8-1

Andy Burnham, mayor of Manchester

Unable to run because he is not an MP, Burnham may yet emerge as a challenger if time runs backwards, the mistakes of history are corrected and a woman emerges from a lake to hand him the sword Excalibur. Otherwise will remain in his current position brooding darkly in a tower on a wind-blasted heath.

Odds 15-1

Ed Miliband, energy secretary

The grinning geek who already lost one election to an unpopular Tory is widely tipped to be a safe pair of hands to do the same again. Would bring his expertise of carving massive gravestones for his own leadership and orally bringing a bacon butty to climax to a public unhappy to be reminded of such things. Also doesn’t want to.

Odds 25-1

Alan Carr and Amanda Holden, interior design show presenters

Hamstrung by being limited to Labour party MPs who support Labour, neither of which are popular in the country at large, the party could swoop in and secure the presenters the BBC wanted for Strictly. By being gay, traitorous and talentless they combine Streeting, Burnham and Miliband in one TV-friendly package. Would not accept the massive pay cut.

Odds 50-1

Jeremy Corbyn, interim co-leader of Your Party subject to collective leadership ratification

Always ready, always running, never more than a week away from appearing at his next rally before cheering crowds, Jeremy is still Labour’s leader in his heart. Beats Miliband for experience by losing two elections and beats Rayner on being working-class by sheer insistence. Corbyn would fire the whole parliamentary party and sit back satisfied.

Odds 3-100 favourite

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