Subscribe

Phillipson, Thornberry, Kemi Badenoch: who will be Labour's next deputy leader?

ANGELA Rayner is gone, but who could possibly replace her? The race to be deputy prime minister begins now and these are the candidates: 

Bridget Phillipson, education secretary

Main selling point is being proudly working class but not as working class as Angela Rayner, because she might be from a council house in Gateshead but she still went to Oxford. Has similar bob to Rachel Reeves; whether in affiliation or mockery is not yet known.

Dame Emily Thornberry, England flag-abhorrer

Continuity Corbyn candidate who will loom from the shadows to remind Starmer he promised to keep the full manifesto in 2019 and he has betrayed the Great Old One who will shortly rise from the sunken depths of his allotment and subjugate the world. Until then will like having a driver again.

Kemi Badenoch, Conservative leader

Starmer needs a token appointment who will keep their head down and not interfere with his government, and Kemi fits in every regard. Her identity as a black right-winger patronises those communities sufficiently and she’s amply demonstrated that nothing she says is even noticed by the media. The odds-on choice.

Prince, the dog who says ‘sausages’

In 1979, That’s Life brought the country a terrier who, when his rockabilly owner manipulated his throat correctly, said ‘sausages’. He united a nation which hasn’t come together in the same way since, except for Diana dying and that’s harder to replicate. Starmer is to locate a similar dog, cause it to vocalise, appoint it his deputy and ride the tsunami of popularity.

The terrifying spirit of wokeness, which haunts us all

The deputy PM takes over if the leader is incapacitated or dead, and what could make us pray that Starmer stays healthy more than appointing wokeness itself second-in-line? Even Reform would hesitate to attack when a shock resignation would see the borders opened, all sexualities declared queer and a drag queen on the throne.

Keir Starmer, prime minister

If Rayner could be housing secretary, deputy prime minister and vaper-in-chief, then why can’t Starmer do two jobs? Bitterly opposed by Labour’s left wing, modernisers, traditionalists, King Charles, his closest allies, his family and all other parties, Starmer will win because he’s a safe compromise choice, just like he won in July 2024.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Fentimans, and five other brands that are the same bollocks dressed up in twee packaging

THE brands we buy are a reflection of our identity so in purchasing these, you’re admitting you’re a credulous ponce who’ll pay over the odds for bullshit: 

Fentimans

Pop manufacturer Fentimans have cornered the ‘twee Victorian pharmaceuticals’ market by selling in every art gallery. Though indistinguishable in taste from any supermarket cola, it’s glass, has unnecessary writing in a venerable font, and therefore looks less like being a cheap prick when you turn up at a friend’s party with a bottle of lemonade.

Bear Fruit Yo-Yos

Fruit Winders were trash for trashy kids, no better than congealed Fruit Shoots. But replace the neon colour palette with pastels, pop a silhouette of a bear on and suddenly fruity leather is the go-to snack for over-parented middle-class tots.

Cawston Press

Another quaint new arrival to the drinks market, Cawston Press have somehow convinced us all that juice was only a tooth-rotting concern when Sunny Delight did it. Old Cawston’s drinks must be healthy, because look, that mango is hand-drawn.

Charlie Bigham

Such a friendly, familiar name, it’s almost impossible to remember you’d never heard it a decade ago. Fool yourself all you like, Waitrose shoppers, but Charlie’s charging you double the market rate for a bog-standard ready meal and laughing as he does it. Those wooden baskets have paid for 60 acres of Irish country estate.

Joe & Seph’s

Popcorn is the cheapest, easiest snack to make, and yet step into any indie cinema and they’re flogging you a weeny bag of this crap for twice the price of Butterkist. No wonder you’ve smuggled M&Ms in.

Monty Bojangles

‘Ooo aren’t we delightfully British?’ If these advent calendar-quality chocolate shysters wanted to come up with an authentic made-up English name, they should have called themselves Roy Taylor. But that doesn’t sound wonderfully frivolous, does it?

Next story ›