1,000 love rats back Tories in letter to Take A Break

ONE thousand of the UK’s leading love cheats have urged Britain to vote Tory in a letter to Take a Break.

The legion of adulterers said Labour would increase the price of cheap hotel rooms that you are only going to be using for a couple of hours on a midweek afternoon.

Wayne Hayes, from Doncaster, said: “My fellow fanny rats and I have boosted this country’s economy with millions of pounds worth of cheap champagne and condoms.

“We are a vital, permanently rutting cog that just wants to seduce your wife or girlfriend. Don’t let Labour wreck it.”

Meanwhile, Take A Break said it would investigate claims that many of the names on the letter were either happily married, dole fraud aliases or pseudonyms used to dupe women in nightclubs.

The intervention is the latest from special interest groups. Last week 500 leading motorhome owners wrote to Camping & Caravanning claiming only the Tories would provide more chemical toilet dumps on the A44.

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Stealing a car now less hassle than hiring one

BRITISH holidaymakers have been advised to steal a car rather than trying to rent one.

Hiring a car abroad was already a massive pain in the arse, and now fake-looking computerised UK driving licenses will make it even more hellish.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The car hire place is always in the more obscure region of the airport, with dozens of similar-looking desks staffed by people in blouses who are trained to have a problem with your ID.

“Even if you manage to overcome car hire bureaucracy, you then somehow have to identify your designated white Fiat 500 in a car park containing 8,500 white Fiat 500s.

“And how are you supposed to bring it back with a full tank when there isn’t a garage within twenty miles of the airport? Stick it in a horsebox?”

Professor Brubaker advised Britons to simply smash a window on the nearest reasonable-looking hatchback, hot wire the car using YouTube ‘how to’ videos and then return it a few days later with a note of apology and a conciliatory bottle of wine in the foot well.

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “We needed a car in Ibiza so we swagged one from a McDonalds car park.

“After getting caught we had to bribe the police, but the kids loved getting their fingerprints done and mugshots make a great souvenir.

“I would recommend it, also because hire cars smell weird.”