A-level student joins shadow cabinet via clearing

AN A-level student with disappointing exam results has used the ‘clearing’ system to find a place in Jeremy Corbyn’s shadow cabinet.

After failing to achieve the two B-grades needed to study business and tourism at Roehampton University, Nikki Hollis will become the new shadow transport secretary.

Hollis said: “It could be worse, my mate Wayne just smoked weed for the last two years and didn’t turn up for half his exams and now he’s deputy leader of the Lib Dems.

“University doesn’t start for another month so I’ve plenty of time to come up with a public transport strategy, have it ignored by Jeremy, get masses of online abuse from his supporters, resign and still find a course somewhere.”

Labour listed its shadow cabinet posts on the UCAS clearing website after struggling to fill them with sitting MPs who had not already resigned, were irredeemably stupid or had told Corbyn to ‘go piss on his bike’.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Desperate hipster wonders when it's all going to end 

A SAD hipster is desperate to know when he can go back to being normal.

Julian Cook confirmed he is not sure how much more bullshit he can do to convince people he is worthy of attention.

He said: 
“I’ve had my entire body tattooed by the age of 24 and I have a huge beard that’s an absolute pain in the arse to manage. I think my reproductive organs are fucked too due to these ridiculously tight jeans.

“And what’s with drinking £12 artisan peach cider out of a jar? When can I go back to just having a pint of Stella?

“Someone please make it stop. But do it ironically so that it’s stops in a really cool way.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, added: “Unfortunately for Mr Cook, the next stage of hipsterdom will be wearing one of those little caps that have a propeller on them while listening to Marillion.

“My teenage son is already doing all of those things and it’s one of the reasons I hate him.”