All options ruled out

THE UK’s political leaders have ruled out the Brexit deal, a no-deal Brexit, a second referendum, a general election, remaining in the EU and continuing the current situation. 

The prime minister and the leader of the opposition have agreed that none of the options available to them are tenable and must all be dismissed before any progress can be made.

Jeremy Corbyn said: “The British people are sick of their humdrum range of limited choices.

“Nobody wants a second referendum. Nobody wants a no-deal exit. The only deal on the table has been resoundingly rejected, and though I claim to want a general election I’d actually rather just take over but there’s not the support.

“But I can say categorically that we reject all the options so far raised, and indeed anything confined by the arbitrary limits of the merely possible.

“Perhaps we could exist in a quantum state both in and out of the EU. Perhaps Britain splits into a thousand warring factions. Perhaps we wink out of reality to return for one day every hundred years.

“Either way, we’re resolutely opposed to doing anything that we could actually do. Your move, universe.”

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Labelling half the country whining Remoaner twats 'not the best idea', admits May

CALLING half of UK voters losers who should shut their traitor mouths forever may not have been a brilliant idea, Theresa May has admitted.

The prime minister said: “I couldn’t be more shocked.

“That these radical dissenter bastards for some reason don’t like having their views comprehensively disregarded is something nobody could have expected.

“I don’t understand it. When Cameron called them all fat, lazy bastards who were getting austerity because they’d sucked on the state tit for too damn long, they were fine with it.”

May added: “How dare they deny the will of the British people? The good, correct British people, that is.”