Anxious nation cheered by Raab's dismal failure

BRITAIN is to start the weekend early in celebration of Dominic Raab’s pathetic failure.

Raab was humiliated in the second round of the Tory leadership contest, giving a moment of unbridled happiness to a nation worried about the consequences of Brexit.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “More champagne!”

Jane Thompson, from Stevenage, added: “I want to see his face! I want to see his face!”

She added: “Perhaps Brexit won’t be that bad after all. Perhaps nothing will be that bad after all.

“What a splendid day.”

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Woman invited to 'girl's night in' considering faking own death

A WOMAN invited to a night round a friend’s house drinking ‘fizz’ and watching a romcom is looking into faking her own death instead. 

Helen Archer was invited to the gathering via a primary school Whatsapp group and is now Googling mysterious boating accidents, burning out her own car or a freakish bout of smallpox.

She said: “Prosecco gives me a headache, romcoms are shite and the whole thing is just an excuse to cruelly pick apart the personality of everyone at school, including all the children even though they’re only five.

“I’d rather have my bikini line waxed with tarmac and yet if I don’t go I risk being ostracised by a clique of mums who I don’t like but are handy as last-minute baby sitters when I want to go to the pub with my real mates.

“Being dead would be a great excuse not to go. It might traumatise the kids a bit to find out mummy has gone away and is never coming back, but right now I’m thinking short-term.”

Archer added: “I’d better get in quick. There’s another mum with that same ‘staging an accident on a climbing wall’ look in her eye.”