Apologies, we misvoted, says Britain

THE UK has apologised for the prime minister for the momentary error it made in the polling booth last December which it will rectify as soon as possible. 

The electorate admitted that it had become a little bit confused, that it was all very complicated, and that it was very sorry for getting it so badly wrong when the consequences were so serious.

Nathan Muir of Bolton said: “Very sorry, Boris, but we made a mistake. We’ll correct it as soon as possible.

“In our defence it was all pretty bewildering, there was very little clarity or transparency, perhaps we hadn’t paid as much attention as we should have and when the pressure was on, we messed up.

“It won’t happen again. And that’s a promise.”

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The tactless questions to ask when your friend gets dumped

GOT a friend in tears because they’ve just been given the boot by their partner? Make it even worse with these probing and insensitive questions:

Did it come as a surprise?

Or did they flash their ‘I’m about to break your heart and destroy your faith in romance’ hazard lights? Not only patronising, also forces the dumpee to reflect on possible tell-tale break up signs they missed. Excruciating for them, a chance to be a love detective for you.

Why did they do it?

Because you don’t make enough money? Or because you’re shit in bed? Or because you’ve got fat? Or all of the above? Won’t help your heartbroken friend to get closure, but their tear-stained confession will give you something to gossip about.

Do you think you’ll get back together?

Dangling the bogus carrot of reconciliation in front of your friend’s face to give them false hope, only for that hope to be shattered when they text and discover their number’s been blocked, is like being in your very own episode of Hollyoaks. 

Was there somebody else?

Shameless prying and you know it. Asking this should trigger your friend to break down and reveal a torrid saga of flings, escapades and trysts. The more likely story that they just grew apart is boring, so no harm in trying to spice things up a bit.

So they’re definitely single now, yeah?

Because you’re pretty sure that the friend’s ex was always a bit over-flirty and you might have a chance. A simple yes or no will do. There’s no point picking up flowers from the petrol station and dropping round if they’re already shacked up. Try to punch the air discreetly when the answer is ‘yes’.