Britain scores the highest death toll in Europe and still the whinging carpers have nothing positive to say, by Dominic Raab

by Dominic Raab, foreign secretary

IS it impossible for the Left to be positive? Are they so blinded by ideology they can’t recognise this government’s achievements? 

Yesterday, the UK’s death toll exceeded any in Europe. The Italians, the Spanish, and by magnitudes the Germans. The leftist lie that there is no British exceptionalism has been well and truly exposed. 

Yet still, as I announce this news, all I hear is griping. Tests, hospitals, PPE. Why can’t we for one moment recognise that we have come top? 

The EU is amazed at our achievement. Across 27 countries they’re watching and learning from our example. 

‘We had all the advantages’, they say. ‘We saw what was coming.’ Yes we did, and we made the very British most of it. But the Quislings here still moan. 

You wanted the deaths from care homes added? I did it. Greece has thousands of pensioners they’re still classifying as ‘having a good long sleep’. We’re penalised for doing a proper job. 

We are the only nation in Europe whose leader has not only contracted COVID-19, but been in intensive care with it. Those others should hang their heads in shame.

This isn’t a competition. Numbers don’t matter, apart from when I pretended I’d hit my test target last Friday and the media went along with it because I’d tried. 

But for now, let’s take a second to salute this first win in Europe since Katrina and the Waves in 1997. And I promise you this. After Brexit, this will look like nothing. 

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The miracles that could still save 2020

SO far, the end-of-year montage for 2020 is going to be you sat at home watching other people sat in their homes. But could these miracles turn the year around?

We find a vaccine tomorrow

Poof, just like that we’re back to normal. Sure, we’ll have to figure out how to vaccinate the whole planet, but we can sweat the details later. Unless Trump patents the cure in which case we’re all doomed.

The environment fixes itself

Forget about future generations and the animal kingdom; just think how happy this will make Sir David Attenborough. Plus he won’t have to end each episode of his next documentary on a downer that puts you off watching it.

World peace breaks out

Imagine how amazing it would be if we all got along, ie stopped bombing Middle Eastern countries on a bit of a whim. Naturally some nutjobs will bang on about how terrible it is for the economy, but why listen?

God forgives everyone

God comes out as real, apologises for all the many errors he’s made over the years and gives everyone a clean slate, a fresh start and a chance to live a better life. Of course nobody will make it through the day without at least one mortal sin, but for a few hours what a weight off your mind.

Trump vanishes

You wake up and President Palmer, a sober, sensible and popular leader, is leading the pandemic fight on TV. Suggestions that Donald Trump was ever president are met with incredulous laughter. Former MP Boris Johnson presents a teatime game show called Quo Est Simia? and is married to Billie Piper.