Brown Apologises For Not Being Even More Intelligent

GORDON Brown today apologised for not being even more intelligent than he so obviously is.

The prime minister said that while he had been amazingly clever and much cleverer than anyone else, he could have prevented the financial crisis by being even cleverer than that.

Mr Brown told the Guardian: "I'm so clever I know what you're going to say even before you say it. I'm so clever I can read two books at the same time. The one in the toilet and the one next to my bed.

"But if only I had been clever enough to realise that capitalism involves some risk and that maybe something could be done to minimise that risk such as rules that stopped banks from lending money to people who couldn't afford to pay it back.

"But that would have taken a super-human degree of intelligence. Not even ET or one of those big, scary computers that can play chess could have worked that one out."

The prime minister also said the era of laissez faire capitalism was over but insisted it would not be replaced by so-called 'big government', adding: "I don't know what we'll actually call it. Maybe 'fat government', or 'chunky government'.

"My personal favourite is 'so-powerful-you-won't-be-able-to-go-for-a-piss-without-my-permission government."

Mr Brown's critics are now expected to spend the next two weeks debating whether an apology for not being even cleverer amounts to an actual apology.

Psychologist Dr Tom Logan, said: "I'm afraid this is closest you're going to get to an apology from someone who is now clearly in need of immediate hospitalisation."

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Match Of The Day Goes To Its Dark Place

MATCH of the Day has gone to its dark place and has urged viewers not to follow.

The BBC said the football highlights show is no longer suitable for women, children and anyone who does not have profound and disturbing psychological problems.

The show will now be screened at 4am on Monday mornings and viewers will be warned that it includes strong language and sordid mental imagery ‘right from the start’.

Corporation executives stepped in after pundit Alan Pardew said a heavy tackle during Sunday’s game between Manchester City and Chelsea was ‘like a donkey mounting a Dutch porn star’.

A spokesman said: “The BBC has to tread a fine line between taste and decency and fulfilling its statutory obligation to produce football punditry that trawls the most appalling depths of the human psyche.”

The spokesman also explained why there had been no on-air apology at the time, adding: “Alan was misheard. It was thought he used the word ‘monkey’.”

In recent weeks Pardew has compared a penalty box incident during a third round FA cup tie to ‘a Saturday night spit-roast at a West Midlands Travelodge’ and claimed that the Everton back four ‘would not look out of place in the shower room at a Turkish prison’.

And last month the BBC received more than 30 complaints after he suggested that Manchester United winger Cristiano Ronaldo ‘could do with being tied buck-naked to a four-poster bed while a female St Bernard takes a massive dump on his chest’.