Brown Era To Be Cold And Wet, Says Met Office

THE premiership of Gordon Brown will be dominated by the damp, dreary weather so typical of his native Fife, the Met Office warned last night.

As the final barrier to Brown's accession was swept away, attention was focussed on how the climate would perform when the Chancellor finally enters Number 10.

A Met Office spokesman said: "We've had 10 years of unseasonably warm weather under Tony Blair. Lots of sunshine and happy days at the beach. That's all over.

"We predict that the next few years will be dark, overcast, unremittingly cold and with a bitter northerly wind that will make you curse the day Mr Brown was born."

He added: "There are a number of theories as to why the weather has taken a downturn but we suspect it's because Mr Brown was not privately educated."

Meanwhile first minister Alex Salmond is demanding that control of Scotland's weather be transferred from Westminster to Holyrood.

In his latest confrontation with London Mr Salmond said: "It will not have escaped the notice of the Scottish people that London Labour made the sun shine all through a bitterly contested election campaign when it suited them.

"Yet, after the SNP won its historic victory, and Gordon Brown got his hands on the levers of weather power, it has done nothing but piss it down up here."

Mr Salmond said the SNP manifesto had pledged eternal sunshine with just a sprinkling of early morning rain before anyone was awake.

The first minister stressed that Scottish control of Scottish weather was vital if he was to fulfill his pledge to start a war with Holland.

He said: "You can't launch an invasion across the North Sea in weather like this. It would be an unpardonable folly."

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Harry Potter Books 'All Made Up' Says Rowling

AUTHOR JK Rowling has revealed that no one is going to die at the end of the final Harry Potter book because she "made the whole thing up".

In a move that will devastate millions of 35 year-olds, Rowling confirmed that the entire Harry Potter series has been a fantasy she created in her head, and that none of the people in the books really exist.

Writing on her website, Rowling said she realised this might come as a shock to many of her grown-up readers because they were all "obsessive twats" with little connection to reality.

She said: "There will always be sad individuals who get their kicks from reading rubbishy fantasy like Harry Potter. Thank god.

"But all this nonsense about who is going to get killed at the end of the last book is getting on my tits. No one's getting killed. It’s just a book."

Rowling said she had no idea where all the wild rumours regarding the plot of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows were coming from.

She added: "All this stuff about Harry hopping off the twig is just a load of old cock, probably put about by the marketing department. Thank god.

"In fact the series is going to end on an upbeat note with Harry and Ron Weasley finally consummating their love for each other, but only after a civil partnership ceremony in the grand hall at Hogwarts. Some children may get hold of the book after all.

"Regular readers will know that both the lads have been exploring their sexuality over the series, but this has progressed beyond the earlier curious fumblings into a deep love that Ron and Harry want recognised, and accorded respect.

"Tragically, if you believe this kind of rubbish, Hermione Granger does snuff it thanks to a bad prawn at Harry and Ron’s wedding breakfast. Dumbledore also cops it after falling down the stairs drunk. But that is actually quite a funny scene. It certainly made me laugh."

Rowling said she was unconcerned about revealing the ending to the final Potter installment ahead of publication as hardly anyone could get through her books anyway.

She said: "Even I have not read one right through to the very end, and I wrote them. It's much easier to just watch the films."