Brown Gets Green-Light To Murder Enemies

PRIME Minister Gordon Brown will today begin a cull of his personal and political enemies after being given the go-ahead by the Crown Prosecution Service.

With Labour now effectively immune from criminal charges, Brown plans to spend the summer wiping out all those who have crossed him since childhood.

Whitehall sources said the decision not to bring charges in the cash for honours inquiry, despite the piles of invoices, receipts and signed confessions, means Brown can begin working through his 200-page 'bastards list'. 

One senior Brown ally said: "Obviously we can't go around killing people if there's any risk of prosecution. We checked that with Putin.

"There's nothing quite like immunity. It's better than chocolate-covered sex. I personally handed the CPS a note which read, 'thanks for my peerage in exchange for the £50,000 donation, I love my new office' and they chucked it in the bin."

The source added: "If I was Peter Mandelson, I'd be disguising myself as an old woman and heading for the airport."

Meanwhile Labour Party chairwoman Harriet Harman is to launch a massive discount peerage sale, starting this weekend.

All life peerages are being slashed from £20,000 to £7500, not including robes, stationery and junior ministerial positions.

Labour is also offering to abandon key policies with prices starting at £250,000 for a u-turn on planning regulations, right up to £2.5 million for an immediate, full-scale withdrawal from Afghanistan and Iraq.

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Cannabis Users Face Grooviness Test

FROM next April all potential users of cannabis will have to sit a government-approved grooviness test.

With experts warning of increasingly potent strains of the drug, the government will tighten the law to ensure it is used only by those groovy enough to handle it.

Government officials predict that the most applicants will be judged 'insufficiently groovy' after a series of tests involving coloured lights, sirens and an angry dog.

Meanwhile excessive users will be told they are now too groovy and be given counselling on how to reduce their grooviness levels.

One government source said: "There are now very few people left alive who have just the right amount of grooviness to handle this kind of shit."

Jacqui Smith, the home secretary, admitted she had used cannabis at university, adding: "I was a very groovy young woman and they were very groovy times."

She stressed she was now insufficiently groovy for cannabis but said she did like to drink an awful lot of wine.