Brown's Insanity 'Distracting Voters From How Bad He Is At His Job'

CONSTANT coverage of Gordon Brown's psychosis is beginning to distract voters from how appalling he is at being prime minister, Labour strategists claimed last night.

Party chiefs say the last thing they want is for people to actually assess Mr Brown's years in power and that anything else, including lurid accounts of his schizoid temper, would be a welcome diversion.

In a bid to stop the electorate remembering all the moronic or self-serving decisions Mr Brown has made since 1997, the Labour campaign will now attempt to keep the media focused on his extensive portfolio of deep-seated character flaws.

Later this week Mr Brown will hold a rally for activists in the Midlands where he will eat a ham and egg sandwich with his mouth open, accompanied by a range of unbearable noises, and then reveal that in recent years he has become constantly and nauseatingly flatulent.

He will then visit a nursery school in Nuneaton where he will launch into a brutal, foul-mouthed tirade against a group of terrified, cross-legged three year-olds, before emptying his bowels in the staff toilet and 'forgetting' to flush.

A senior Labour source said: "It's so much easier for us to go out there every day and talk about what a dreadful human being he is rather than face questions about the billions and billions and billions and billions and billions and billions of pounds he has wasted over the last 13 years.

"Seriously, Alistair Darling spends most of the day curled up in a steamer trunk, pretending to be dead. It's like, 'Jesus fucking Christ man'."

The Tories are expected to hit back, deflecting attention from their lack of policies with a series of well-placed stories about how David Cameron is a stuck-up, patronising ponce who would invite you to dinner just so that he and his friends can laugh at your accent and ask how much you would charge to mow their lawn.

Douglas Alexander, Labour's campaign co-ordinator, said: "This is a crucial election for the future of Britain and it is right that we should focus on character. By the way, did you know that Gordon can't ride a bike and that his favourite actor is Jude Law?"

"Jude. Law."

 

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Britain Wearily Learns What Olympic Skeleton Is

OCCASIONAL sports fans have begrudgingly fired up Wikipedia in an attempt to understand exactly what Amy Williams won a medal for.

Experts said that assumptions that Britain was not allowed to win medals at the winter Olympics, as well as curiosity over what Ms Williams would look like in the nip, has boosted the amount of shit the public has given.

Joanna Kramer, a sales manager from Grantham, said: "I thought she was careering about on an actual skeleton, like a scene from that Norman Wisdom film where Norman is delivering milk to a medical school that overlooks a skating rink.

"I kept thinking, 'yes, I probably could be persuaded to donate my body to science, but not to sledging'."

British interest in the winter games has now eclipsed its previous high when Eddie 'The Eagle' Edwards became a minor celebrity by sliding slowly off the end of a ramp.

Charlie Reeves, an armchair enthusiast from Carlisle, said: "I assumed 'skeleton' meant you had to be really skinny, but she's a big girl with excellent tits. It all looks a bit like falling down a laundry chute to me, but I suppose you still have to learn how to do it."

He added: "If you'll excuse me I have to go and find out how you win at curling, as we might be onto something there too.

"Come to think of it I curled something on ice myself, after the office Christmas party. It was a four-mile walk home and I think the chicken drumshapes must have been off."