GORDON Brown wants taxpayers to buy him a new caravan otherwise he will be forced to steal one, Downing Street said last night.
The Prime Minister has called for widescale reform of party political caravan buying to ensure the system is free from any hint of corruption.
Mr Brown said: "I want quite a big one. Four berths should do. It should have a modern chemical toilet, a two-ring gas hob and a built-in fridge.
"It doesn't absolutely have to have a microwave. I'm just saying that would be nice."
Mr Brown said a taxpayer-funded caravan, "ensures I am not forced to either solicit a caravan from an anonymous private donor or just go and steal one from a driveway in Twickenham".
He added: "Because that's what I'll do, make no mistake. Without large amounts of your money, I can't stop myself from committing crimes. And even then I'm probably going to do it anyway. What the hell's wrong with me?"
Mr Brown said it was right that the police had been called in to investigate massive secret donations from a property developer who had absolutely no interest in planning decisions.
"We will do everything we possibly can to obstruct them," he added.
Meanhwile north of the Border, the Scottish Labour leader Wendy Alexander has refused to resign, claiming a wicked troll has been impersonating her in meetings and forging her signature on thank-you letters to businessmen.