Cameron To Spend Two Weeks As A Wheelie Bin

TORY leader David Cameron is to spend two weeks living as a wheelie bin in East London in a bid to highlight the current crisis in British refuse collection.

Mr Cameron said he would act as a standard-sized bin for an average family of two adults and two children living in a modest terrace house in Hackney.

“I want them to just treat me like any normal bin, not like the leader of a major political party, and just stuff me full of their crap,” he said.

Nina Narne, the Hackney resident whose bin Mr Cameron would be, said she was looking forward to using the opposition leader as a rubbish receptacle.

She said: “It’s a new type of politics, it’s clean and fresh, and it shows David Cameron is a man who cares about the little people. I mean, when did you last see Gordon Brown offer to eat someone’s banana skin?”

The Tory leader’s wheelie bin stint follows recent moves by most councils in Britain to cease all bin collections and force householders to eat all their own rubbish.

Mr Cameron said he, or his butler, already consumed most of his own family’s refuse but he doubted whether it was possible to digest everything, particularly large quantities of disused truffle oil.

The wheelie bin exercise follows a busy period for Mr Cameron during which he has spent a week dressed as a football mascot, four days living on the Moon, three days working as a cod, a weekend as a lap dancer, and 40 seconds leading the Tory party.

After he has finished his wheelie bin experiment he plans to spend the rest of the year living as a smug middle-class twat in Notting Hill.


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Mars To Launch 'Beeftesers'

MARS, the confectionery giant, is to launch a brand of chocolate covered treats called 'Beeftesers' to cash in on the new and growing market for meat flavoured sweets.

Beeftesers will consist of a crunchy gristle interior formed from reconstituted, dried cow shavings which are then covered in a rich, milk chocolate coating.

If the new sweets take off as expected Mars says it plans to follow the beef version with other meat varieties including Lambtesers and Porktesers.

Wade Lewis, head of tissue-based product development for Mars in the UK, said they were launching Beeftesers after consumers complained about the recent meat-based Mars Bar.

He said: “We all thought the revamp would be a massive hit because it hardly tasted of meat at all.

“Instead our consumers rejected it as bland and boring and said they really wanted sweets with a strong beefy tang.

“Britain is a proud nation of animal munchers with a very sweet tooth. A snack that can deliver a meaty taste wrapped in delicious milk chocolate has got 'hit' written all over it.”

However, while Mars appears to have stolen a march on its rivals it appears unlikely that it will have the carnivorous confectionery market all to itself for long.

Rival Rowntree is already taste-testing a pig-based chunky chocolate bar called 'Porkie' and a version of its Lion Bar containing real antelope.

While these are new developments for the firm in the UK it has experience in the meat field having long manufactured the Kit-Cat for export to North Korea.

Meanwhile, Cadbury is poised to unleash the Kidney Wurly, a chewy chocolate covered offal confection, along with the Porknic, another pig-based chocolate bar.

On the streets of Dundee the new sweets were greeted with enormous enthusiasm when put to the taste test by The Daily Mash.

After tasting just one Edith Bower, 76, asked if she could take the whole bag, describing Beeftesers as tasting like a Swiss abattoir, “but in a good way”.

Kylie Ellis, 12, was another instant convert saying Beeftesers had a strong meat smell, a nice gristly crunch and a lovely sweet aftertaste. “You can stuff your Revels up your arse,” she said.