Cameron trying to find a band that doesn’t hate him

DAVID Cameron is trying to find a band he can listen to, safe in the knowledge the musicians do not hate his guts.

After being criticised by Squeeze on The Andrew Marr Show, Cameron has begun a musical quest to find a group that is in favour of right-wing politics, the Tory party and class privilege.

Cameron said: “I’ve already had run-ins with The Smiths and The Jam. How was I to know Paul Weller wasn’t an old Etonian and Eton Rifles isn’t about all the fun he had in the cadet corps?

“I’m looking for a band that’s into neoliberalism, fox hunting and the privatisation of the NHS.

“I thought The Beatles might be a possibility because Taxman is about lower taxes for the rich, but it turns out John Lennon was a dreadful hippy.”

He added: “Apparently The Spice Girls loved Margaret Thatcher, but I’ve listened to Spice more than 30 times and there isn’t a single reference to the sinking of the Belgrano.

“I’ll probably just have to form my own Conservative rock band. Michael Gove is really into it and we’ve already written a power ballad about Trident missiles.”

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Lottery decided completely at random, complains angry Britain

UNSUCCESSFUL Lotto players have complained about the arbitrary way the numbers are drawn.

The National Lottery jackpot has once again rolled over after millions of Britons found it unexpectedly difficult to predict the result.

Tom Logan of Stevenage, said: “This so-called lottery seems to be drawn entirely at random.

“I still can’t see anything wrong with the numbers I chose – 6, 16, 25, 28, 35, 39 and 49  – but they drew some ridiculous numbers. 30, 40, 50? What self respecting Lotto player would pick those?”

He added: “I know this sounds crazy but I’m starting to think I might not win £50 million.”

Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Winning the lottery is really hard. The odds of winning are one in 45 million if you bought one ticket, which is fractionally more likely than if you bought no ticket at all.”