Corbyn lured away with fake Labour party

MPS have set up a decoy Labour party to keep Jeremy Corbyn harmlessly occupied while someone else takes over, they have revealed.

After being told by email that Labour was moving headquarters, Corbyn is now leading the fake party from a prefabricated hut on the outskirts of Rotherham.

A Labour spokesman said: “All the staff are paid actors who reassure him things are going well. Today they convinced him he’s ahead in the polls because the public has suddenly got really into Marxism.

“Every so often we send a ‘TV news crew’ to interview him about his latest policy to bring back British Leyland or whatever. They’re just actors too. I don’t think they even turn the camera on.

“Now we can get on with electing someone at least slightly popular, and Jeremy can potter about writing letters of support to Bootle Friends of Nicaragua.”

Corbyn said: “Everyone at our new HQ keeps me tied up all day with interminable committee meetings about things like making Knutsford a nuclear-free zone. I’m loving it.

“I said I should really go to this week’s Prime Minister’s Questions, but apparently I am too valuable to lose from the banner-making team.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'BT Wi-Fi with Fon' told to f**k off and die

THE stupidly-named BT wi-fi thing that overrides your internet connection should burn in hell, it has been confirmed.

‘BT Wi-Fi with Fon’, ‘BT Fon’, ‘BT-Wi-Fi-with-Fon’ or whatever the fuck it is called deliberately antagonises internet users by bullying their home internet into submission.

Householder Mary Fisher said: “Every time I turn on my computer I see ‘BT Wi-Fi-with-thing’. I do not know what it is. I do not care. I hate it.

“It’s just always lingering like some memory of a past misdemeanour that pops up just to spoil your day.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Nobody knows what ‘BT Fon’ is or what it wants.

“Everyone hates it though. It should kill itself.”

A BT spokesman said: “We don’t know what it is either. Apparently though a ‘Fon’ is a type of antelope that lives in small family groups near mangrove swamps.

“Sometimes it pops up on our computers at work, it’s fucking annoying.”