Corbyn's silent walk to become 18-hour arthouse movie

JEREMY Corbyn’s two-minute silent walk, as shown on Sky News, is to be expanded into an 18-hour black-and-white experimental film.

Filmmaker Anton Corbijn, a distant cousin, will follow the Labour leader from Westminster out of London and up the A5 to Northampton, beginning at 6pm and ending, exhausted and bleeding, at noon the following day.

Corbijn said: “It begins on Parliament Square, where Jeremy is being interviewed by ITN and they ask him a question he doesn’t like.

“He stares, unspeaking, then turns on his heel and begins walking briskly up the Mall headed north being trailed by news crews pleading for answers for hours, falling by the wayside one by one until the BBC finally give up at Potters Bar.

“Through the night the only sounds are Jeremy’s metronomic footsteps, the traffic on the M1 thundering past, and at one point he says ‘Bugger’ when he loses a shoe.

“By morning, the sun rising over the distant spires of Leighton Buzzard, it’s impossible to turn away as the camera circles his angelic beard against a cobalt sky.

“Finally, he arrives at his destination, opens his mouth to speak and we smash cut to a black screen and the credits.”

The film will debut at the Cannes Film Festival and, because it is left-wing and unwatchable, is widely tipped to win the Grand Jury Prize.

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References to ‘brunch’ going unmocked

BRITONS are talking about ‘brunch’ without getting the piss ripped out of them, it has emerged.

References to the absurd and pretentious American non-meal have snuck into common usage, to the extent that ‘brunchers’ are not getting the mockery they so richly deserve.

28-year-old Tom Logan said: “Yesterday a friend called up and suggested we meet for brunch. I was about to say ’sounds good’ but then I had a moment’s hesitation.

“That was my ‘naked brunch’ moment when I realised that the concept of a mid-morning meal with French toast and shit is just so nauseatingly lah-di-dah. It’s like we’re trying to be characters in an American comedy drama about modern urban dating called Singleton City.

“I told my friend that if he ever used the term brunch again I would slap him twice around the face. He agreed but we have not spoken since.”

The term brunch was coined in 1983 by American Wayne Hayes, who wanted to make himself feel better about eating constantly throughout the morning.

Office worker Emma Bradford said: “I hate these stupid cute little words, and our obsession with American diner culture even if it does have a far higher standard of food and service than we are used to in the UK.

“However I do enjoy a spot of ‘drunch’, as I call the several tubes of Pringles that I eat each day between lunch and dinner.”