Eighth Labour MP to quit admits she slept through her alarm on Monday

THE eighth Labour MP to quit for the independent group admitted she was meant to leave on Monday but it had been a big weekend. 

Joan Ryan, MP for Enfield North, confessed that drinking three bottles of wine to celebrate her freedom from ‘that sanctimonious lefter-than-thou twat’ on Sunday evening left her in no state for a press conference on Monday morning.

She continued: “Come on. It’s not like the anti-Semitism’s got dramatically worse in the last two days. You have to believe me.

“I don’t even remember the alarm going off, but I remember my phone buzzing like fuck and this banging on the door which turned out to be a SPAD they’d sent round. I couldn’t face it. I just put my pillow over my head and groaned.

“The other seven have been a bit off with me and fair enough, but we’re all independent. Sly sideways looks are what I left Labour to get away from.

Following the announcement that three Tories had quit, Ryan added: “Oh for Christ’s sake. Now I look like I’ve only done it because they did. 

“Still, now there’s 11 of us we’re more powerful than the DUP. And they run Britain.” 

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Tories regret joining party full of horrible bastards

THE bitter infighting over Europe has led Conservatives to question whether it was a good idea to join a party known for being horrible to people.

After decades of animosity, some have realised there is a downside to being in a party full of arrogant bastards who enjoy seeing others suffer.

Tory member Julian Cook said: “The last thing I expected was for Tories to be nasty to me because I’m not in one of our approved hate groups like ‘hopeless dole twat’ or ‘up-themselves doctor’.

“Unfortunately we’re split into Tories who hate foreigners and Tories who hate foreigners but realise we’ll lose our jobs if we totally fuck the economy.

“Sometimes I think I should have joined the Labour party. When they fall out they just do this passive-aggressive thing where they make each other attend really boring committee meetings.”

Tory MP Donna Sheridan said: “Personal abuse is never acceptable unless it’s calling Corbyn a ‘stinky old tramp man’ or something clever and hilarious like that.

“Sometimes it’s hard to believe we’re the same party that produced lovely, warm people like Margaret Thatcher, Enoch Powell and all the ones who wanted to hang Nelson Mandela.”