EU To Ask Women When They First Sat On A Washing Machine

CITIZENS across the European Union are to be asked a series of intimate sexual questions including when they first discovered the joys of vibration.

In a bid to improve policy making the European Parliament wants member states to conduct surveys which include detailed questions about rubbing, bouncing and ice cubes.

Dutch MEP Theo Van Poomf said: “Take the section on nipples, for example. We need to know when our citizens first became aware of their nipples and what influence that has had on their choice of public transport.”

He added: “Are women who indulge in washing machines more or less likely to reuse plastic shopping bags?

“Does rubbing yourself in church make you more likely to send your children to a private school?

“And is the EU constitution more popular with people who enjoy demented sexual role-playing?”

But the move has been strongly opposed by some British MEPs. UKIP member Denys Finch-Hatton said: “It’s the bloody French. Again.

“Knocking on my door. Asking my wife if she enjoys doing it blindfolded. On skis. While eating a hotdog. And listening to Wagner. While my mother is downstairs watching Balamory with her grandchildren. Perverts.”


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Darling Sends 25 Million Bank Records To Nigerian Doctor

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has admitted sending millions of bank account details to a Nigerian doctor who contacted him earlier this week.

The Chancellor told the House of Commons he had received a 'very moving email' from a Dr Kwantana in Lagos who is hoping to begin a new life in Canada.

Mr Darling said: "Naturally he wanted to transfer his assets to his new home and asked for my assistance.

"In keeping with our manifesto commitment of helping Africans to help themselves, I agreed to send him 25 million bank account details.

"In exchange for my role in this surprisingly simple transaction he has offered a generous commission which I believe will begin to offset the £25bn I have given to Northern Rock and which – we are all now starting to realise – is never, ever going to be paid back.

"Not in a million years. No siree. Not a snowball's chance in hell."

Mr Darling added: "Our new relationship with this gutsy Nigerian not only raises Britain's standing in the international community, but will deliver real value for the British taxpayer. I commend it to the House."

The Kwantana email in full:

Hello dear lovely friend and I am introducing myself at you as Dr Jericho Kwantana MD.

Most recently since birth I have been leaving Nigeria to start my new life in Canadia but due to and because of international bank lawings, good Nigerian doctors like I and myself are unable to be allowed to make huge and large inter-continental money transferings to the Bank of Torontoro.

Dearest lovely friend, I have in a prized Zurich account-hole waiting 21 billions dollar money. I am able and ready to transfer this cash bomb to you and if able to hold and send to my wife in Canadia, I will make the kind offer to you of full 10 percentage of totals.

I hope with sincerity and much enthusiasms that you are able to look kindly upon my Canadian ambitions. One last and final pleading to you: In order for transactions to overtake speedily, I require that you send to me very kindly the sort code and account number of every British person.

With the kindness and prayers of Jesus,

Your Friend Jericho Kwantana.