Everyone who voted Leave to get £1,000 worth of chips

EVERY single one of the UK’s 17.4 million Leave voters is to get a tax-free lump sum of £1,000 to spend on chips.

The Brexit chip dividend, which will be handed out on December 31st, has been designed to help the ‘left-behind’ and is nothing to do with politics, according to communities secretary Robert Jenrick.

He continued: “A ‘Brexit bribe’? Frankly I find that offensive. No, we’re just trying to help the economically disadvantaged make a real difference in their lives and alleviate poverty. This is what Labour would have promised if they had the guts.

“They get a grand for chips at the end of this year, another grand in six months, and a per diem allowance, all for lovely chips.”

Roy Hobbs, from Stoke-on-Trent, said: “Does British Gas accept payment in chips?”

The cash will be raised by a windfall tax on everyone who voted Remain.

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Spring is here and it's time to throw away everything you own!

THE birds are chirping, the buds are appearing on the trees, so it must be time to throw away every single one of the possessions holding you own. 

Open the windows! Clean the bathroom in the spring sunlight! Hire a skip and keep loading it until you’ve got rid of literally all your stuff!

It’s a new season, it’s the beginning of a new year, and you can always get new things. They’re better than old things anyway. Old things are rubbish and dusty. Urgh.

Imagine how free you’d feel, how special, if instead of a house crammed with boring old crap like books and furniture, you had one of those houses with sweeping expanses of floorspace like in adverts. You can! Just chuck the lot!

Not used it in six months? Well, you’re not going to need it again then. Why are you hanging onto it, hoarder? It’s March!

Yes, you could sell everything, but what would you get, a few thousand pounds? Hardly worth the trouble, and no charity shop’s going to want a telly two years old. Get rid. You’ll be glad you did.

Throw it all out! Bin the lot! Including the clothes you’re wearing! It’s spring! It’s spring! It’s spring!