Farage thinks about Putin while showering

NIGEL Farage has named Vladimir Putin as his favourite politician and revealed that he often thinks of him while showering.

But Farage insisted there was nothing homo-erotic about his feelings for the Russian president and that they could easily share a hotel bed if there was some kind of booking error.

He added: “Like Russia, UKIP is a place for strongly heterosexual men who admire each other’s virility.

“Like President Putin, we love our country, we love our armed forces and we love our indigenous, sweaty working class men.

“I often think about President Putin while I’m showering because that’s where I do most of my thinking. I decided to oppose gay marriage just as I was coming to the end of a particularly interesting shower.”

A Kremlin spokesman said: “Mr Farage is virile and manly. We have sent him a signed photo of President Putin on a horse.”

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Climate change still not terrifying enough

IF scientists want us to be scared of climate change they are going to have to try a lot harder, it has been confirmed.

The latest UN climate report warned of food shortages, wild fires and drought and was immediately dismissed by more than 90 percent of people as ‘just a lot of blah’.

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “I don’t care about any of that. I want to know if there will be crocodiles in my living room. What about the man-eating trees?

“The report also fails to address the issue of widespread spontaneous combustion.

“And what will happen to cheese? Will it still exist and if not, what will become of us?”

A UN spokesman said: “Well, in that case, definitely crocodiles, probably man-eating trees and spontaneous combustion everywhere.

“And yes, there will be no cheese. No. More. Cheese.”

But Jane Thompson, from Hatfield, added: “There’s nothing in here about the imminent return of sabre-toothed tigers and until there is I’m not giving a shit.”