Free parking had better be just the f**king start, say voters

VOTERS have advised the Conservatives that they will need more than ten minutes of free parking to win the election. 

The Tory move, which is expected to save the average household nothing, follows Labour’s promise to cut tuition fees by an insignificant amount and the Lib Dem’s saying they might legalise cannabis.

Roy Hobbs of Guildford said: “By now they should be promising an island in every kitchen, child benefit for childless couples and a 250 per increase in blowjobs.

“They want to take a hint from Alex Salmond. There’s a man who can motivates voters by conjuring visions of ludicrous utopias.”

Conservative chairman Grant Shapps said: “Like a man who’s kept his mistress for too many years, we no longer put in the effort we used to.

“Ten minutes’ parking and 2p off beer is all you’re getting and be grateful it’s that much. We’ll have it back and more come June.”


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‘World Book Day’ sees every child dressed as film character

EVERY child who dressed up for ‘World Book Day’ is just a character from a popular film.

The Institute for Studies confirmed the vast majority of children are only aware of the characters because of the films and the event is a total fraud.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Because most films are based on some sort of book the children think they can get away with it.

“But it’s total and utter bullshit.”

He added: “They’re pretending they like books and we’re letting them, because deluding yourself is always much easier. But they don’t like books. They like telly. Because they’re children.

“But it’s okay. There are some really good things on telly. And there are some really shit books.

“Worry about something else.”