Government To Consolidate All Its Debts Into One Low Monthly Payment

THE Treasury is to relax its rules on borrowing after seeing a television advert featuring Carol Vorderman.

Officials are examining how they can adapt the fiscal rules set in place by Gordon Brown over a decade ago, allowing them to pay off existing debts and borrow more, all at one low, low rate of interest.

The government is expected to secure the loan against the Royal Navy, Princess Anne and the Falkland Islands.

A senior Treasury source said: "We weren't sure until the permanent secretary stressed that it was Carol Vorderman.

"He pointed out she was incredibly good at maths and then showed us some highlights from Countdown. Well, my God.

"Two, three, five, nine, 75 and 100 – and she still comes up with 684. Frankly, I couldn't have been more gobsmacked if she had turned herself into a chicken."

With tax receipts forecast to fall next year, the government believes a consolidation loan can help it to ease everyday money worries and treat itself to a ride-on lawnmower and a trip to the Grand Canyon.

The source added: "And if there's anything left over we'll use it to bribe the shit out of everyone just before the next election."

Government Releases Danish Crime Figures

MINISTERS were yesterday forced to withdraw a new report which showed crime falling across the country, after realising it was Danish.

The Home Office said 'administrative confusion' had caused home secretary Jacqui Smith to walk off with Denmark's figures by mistake at a 'big European crime thing' last month.

A Home Office spokesman said: "So I'm looking at it and I'm thinking 'vandalism down, robbery down, violence down – that doesn't sound like Britain'.

"Then I noticed the section on herring theft and I thought 'hang on, this is Denmark'.

"I said to Jeff, I said, 'Jeff, someone's only gone and released the Danish crime figures' and he said it was just like when he worked over at health when they'd chuck in some French stuff to make it less grim."

He added: "On reflection, I suppose I should have guessed from the title, 'Crime: A Smørgasbørd of Statistics'.

"Sure enough, it had figures for raping and pillaging, king poisoning, pig theft and frauds committed while using impeccable English.

"Did you know that raping and pillaging is down 22% in Jutland alone, while they haven't had a case of king poisoning at Elsinore since 1956?"

The spokesman said: "Having read the report I do like the sound of Denmark, although I presume their crime figures are complete bullshit too."