Government 'wasted thousands on swearing consultants'

MINISTERS hired costly experts to develop their swearing skills, it has emerged.

In an attempt to mimic the creative cursing of BBC2’s The Thick of It, the government paid Fuckpebbles Solutions £56,546 for a one-day workshop entitled ‘Become A Profanity Ninja’.

Leaked whiteboard pads reveal the pitiful results of the session, with ineffectual terms like ‘penis man’, ‘big bum’ and ‘we’re all in poo’ scribbled in permanent marker.

A coalition spokesman said: “Verbally agile television satire has raised the Whitehall swearing bar.

“A simple expletive is no longer enough – the public wants and deserves elegant obscene phrases and innovative portmanteau swear words like ‘knobagaeddon’.”

Labour MP Tom Logan: “The results of the session are, for want of a better word, shit.

“Great swearing doesn’t come from brainstorming and ‘ideas showers’. It comes from the heart.”

Fuckpebbles Solutions CEO Emma Bradford said: “The most important part of what we do is teaching that there’s ‘no such thing as bad swearing’. Participants role play various fuck-ups in a mutually supportive environment.

“Our sessions have birthed phrases like ‘beaten senseless with a dog’s cock’, ‘horizontal shit-storm’ and ‘dickwich’ – ie when a politician has to eat several metaphorical penises at once.”



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Painting of fruit tipped for Turner Prize

FRUIT Bowl by 52-year-old spinster Mary Fisher is the controversial frontrunner for this year’s Turner Prize.

Fisher works in the unusual medium of paint – a substance more usually associated with interior decoration – rather than conventional materials such as mouldy carpet tiles and bottles of monkey urine.

And instead of being placed up a tree and then verbally abused by two schoolchildren dressed as Herman Goering, the work is hung, using a hooking device, on a wall.

Art critic Julian Cook said:  “In a wonderful trompe d’oeil, we see what appears to be fruit in the image, yet it is in no sense real or edible.

“Many gallery visitors have attempted to pick the fruit from the bowl, only to realise it is an ingenious, two dimensional representation.

“By locating her work on the wall, rather than on the floor, she forces the viewer to reconsider notions of periphery and perspective.”

Fisher, who describes her work as ‘relaxing’, has inspired a movement dubbed Neoconceptualism, or ‘paintings of things’ which has dominated this year’s Awards.

Other works up for the prize are an oil rendering of a cat, entitled ‘Cheeky Face’ and a water colour of some cows.