THE Green Party has revealed plans to replace soldiers with earnest bearded men who bang on about solar panels.
The ecologically-conscious party would save billions by disbanding the armed forces in favour of an annoying ‘Earnest Force’ consisting of overly sincerely middle-aged men with unruly facial hair, and condescending ladies with huge scarves.
A Green Party spokesman said: “We’ve found that people go to great lengths to avoid talking to us, so why not deploy that against threats to national security?
“Let’s say the Russians land at Portsmouth. We would immediately despatch our most devoted sexless windbags in a fleet of battery 2CVs and Renault 5s with ‘Ban Battery Farming’ stickers.
“They would engage the invaders in seemingly endless conversation about recycling and sandals unless they either see the error of their destructive ways or simply get bored and leave.
“A few hundred men who look like Michael Rosen banging on about composting and electric cars would be sufficient to have any hostile military mumbling excuses about a having a dental appointment.”