Hain Backs Massive Police Pay Rise

FORMER cabinet minister Peter Hain has broken ranks with his Labour colleagues and backed a massive pay increase for police officers.

Mr Hain said rampant inflation was a price worth paying for a happy and prosperous police force that could then devote much more of its time to hobbies and family life.

He added: "They are the best policemen in the history of the world and I think they should have as much money as they want. I do, I really do."

Mr Hain is also expanding his portfolio of think tanks by setting up the Institute for Keeping Me Out of Jail.

"I felt there weren't enough think tanks of the centre-left exploring what a bad idea it would be if I went to jail," he said.

"It's first task will be an in-depth look at how badly I would cope in a variety of prison settings, from open to maximum security.

"It will also examine how inept I would be at bartering with cigarettes and unwanted pieces of toast."

The Institute's early debates will pose the questions: 'Is a Hundred Grand Really a Lot of Money These Days?' and 'Why the Fuck Hasn't Harriet Harman Resigned As Well?'.

Meanwhile a series of seminars will seek to establish exactly how attractive Peter Hain would be to Mr Big and his gang of sex starved maniacs.

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Home Office Hails Sharp Drop In Spoon Crime

HOME secretary Jacqui Smith last night insisted the government was making Britain a safer place after another big fall in spoon-related crime. 

The number of spoon incidents was down 9% to around 217,000, with detection rates up by 4%. Teaspoon crime remained the biggest single source of spoon problems after the ban on ladles.

Smith said: “Attacks by carnivorous plants are at an historic low, cheese fraud is now virtually unknown, and sheep gangs have been brought under control.

“There are still a number of intelligent sea creatures who are stealing dogs from beaches but we are hoping to see the effects of an amnesty later this year.”

Smith added: “We also have a village of alien children with spooky eyes who are enslaving people with their brainwaves, but they're all well below the age of criminal responsibility.”

Wayne Hayes, a Neighbourhood Watch co-ordinator from Devon, said: “Some local youths threw plastic spoons at my wife, but when I called to report it, all the police wanted to know was whether she had been to Pakistan in the last 12 months.

“During the call I happened to mention that my electrician was an olive-skinned Brazilian and within minutes I had four guys kneeling on my chest and a gun up my nose.”

The only bleak spot in the crime figures was a near doubling in sadistic torture and random stabbings, a trebling in gun murders by children and a 400% increase in the number of people being shot in the face by the police.