How Labour’s half-ars*d car-crash of a Brexit policy will fail to work: a timeline

JEREMY Corbyn yesterday announced Labour’s new cock-up of a Brexit policy that nobody will vote for. But how will it fall apart in practice? 

Today-October 2019: Corbyn does nothing, but is available to talk about austerity if you want

October 2019: Corbyn calls for a people’s vote, by which he means a general election, and calls for a vote against Brexit, by which he means a vote for Labour

November 2019: Corbyn elected in coalition on condition he hold a second referendum, which he insists is delayed until he personally has negotiated with the EU. Coalition partners shrug, say ‘Whatever’

December 2019-March 2020: Corbyn holds lengthy talks with EU

April 2020: EU asks Corbyn if he can stop talking about austerity and move on to Brexit now. Reluctantly, he agrees

April-August 2020: Corbyn attempts to explain what a ‘jobs-first Brexit’ is. Requests extension for further two years so he can ‘properly work it out in his own head’. Denied

September 2020: Corbyn returns with new Brexit deal, which is the same Brexit deal with the added clause ‘we will never ever negotiate with Jeremy Corbyn ever again’

October 2020: Corbyn tours UK to promote his Brexit deal, claiming it is the best deal ever and will save the world

November-March 2020: In accordance with policy, Labour campaigns for Remain and Corbyn condemns his Brexit deal as the worst deal ever that will destroy the world

March 2021: Confused, terrifed British public votes for something they barely understand again and gets it wrong again

April 2021: Corbyn blames everyone else