How the Budget will affect your pointless, money-obsessed 'life'

The Daily Mash has crunched the numbers on the Budget to work out how it will affect your ability to buy all that stupid shit your television keeps telling you that you need.

The Two Morons and their Idiot Spawn
Nathan Muir, 37, and his wife Sally, 34, have two children, Brian aged 4 and Samantha, 28. Nathan works for an insurance company and brings home £27,500 a year while Sally is director of the Royal Shakespeare Company. Cuts in working family tax credits mean the Muirs will lose £412 a year that they should never have had in the first place and spent mainly on attachments for their Wii. The Muirs plan to improve their pointless standard of living by investing in ‘Bitcoins’. Hateful.

The Dreadful Old Woman
Margaret Gerving claims she will now have to buy even cheaper soup as well as those biscuits that come in a white packet and just say ‘digestives’. She also claims she will have to turn the heating down this winter, sell her television and listen to a battery operated wireless as the wind howls around her chimney pots and the rain lashes at her lonely windows. Is actually worth about £350,000 through a mix of equity, pensions. and endowment policies. Better off by £16 a year but intends to moan like a fucking twat anyway.

The Young, Single Prick
Tom Logan is an investment banker in the City of London. He’s utterly minted and this sort of shit is for the little people. Will pay an accountant £20,000 to save himself £170,000 and will spend what you earn in a month on getting his balls waxed. At some point you will end up working for him and he will never know your name. According to our Budget Calculator, Logan will be better off every year from now until he dies in a huge bed surrounded by pet giraffes. Now piss off and leave him alone, before you pass on one of your diseases.

The Duke of Kent
His Grace hasn’t touched actual money since 1957 when the Duke of Edinburgh dared him to mug a nun. As a result of the Budget the people who clean his 23 toilets will have to do more overtime at their second and third jobs. Worse off by 12p a year but thinks you’re all marvellous.

A Dog
Roy Hobbs is a seven-year-old Labrador from Peterborough who works for the local authority as a freelance dog. He drinks nine pints of strong cider a day. He doesn’t have any children that he’s telling you about and would love to drive a car but accepts that while it would be brilliant for about the first 30 seconds somebody would probably wind up getting killed. Expects to be worse off by £623 a year because his paws are too big for his calculator and he can’t stop himself from barking at accountants. Is thinking of moving to France where at least the food is edible and he can shit anywhere he wants.


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Osborne To Sack Coventry

CHANCELLOR George Osborne is to throw everyone in Coventry out of work after a brilliant suggestion from Harriet Harman.

Mr Osborne had spent an hour setting out a hard-hitting budget but then immediately withdrew it after Ms Harman said it would have the same impact as taking the axe to the West Midlands hellhole.

The chancellor said: “That is just a stunningly good idea. Does anyone really object? I mean really? And don’t just disagree for the sake of it. Let’s think about this for a minute.”

Holding aloft a copy of the Budget, he added: “This is horribly complicated. Tax rates, allowances, thresholds, family credits and stuff. It takes ages to read and, I’ll be perfectly honest with you, I don’t really understand any of it.

“Sacking Coventry is fair, simple and should only take me about 20 minutes.

“Now some will no doubt say ‘what about all the people in Coventry? What are they supposed to do?’. But I don’t care about them and neither does anyone else.

“We can protect welfare support for the rest of the country and make sure that middle class families continue to receive the annual increases in child benefit that they need to buy really good chorizo.

“Mr Deputy Speaker – Coventry. FUCKED. I commend it to the House.”

A Treasury spokesman said the imminent de-Coventrisation of the UK replicated the key aims of the Budget perfectly by targeting around 300,000 indolent scroungers with ghastly regional accents.

He added: “We will however be pressing ahead with the VAT increase, but to those on low incomes who are concerned we would simply say, why not spend the money on fresh fruit and vegetables for a change instead of yet another enormous television that you can’t afford anyway and will only make you even more fat and stupid, as if that was actually possible?

“Don’t poor people make you sick?”