‘I really enjoyed that,’ says Jeremy Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn has told friends that he really enjoyed his second leadership contest in 12 months and suggested they do one every year. 

The Labour leader, expected to easily beat rival Owen Smith, said that touring the country speaking to rallies of fervent supporters was the perfect way to spend the summer.

He continued: “I can’t believe I initially resented the parliamentary party for this.

“But instead of trying to sound convincingly unhappy about Brexit, I’ve had three months doing my absolute favourite thing of being more left-wing than everybody else, and what a treat.

“To be honest being in charge is a faff, so having a break from it while everybody reaffirmed their devotion to me was just the boost I needed.

“And I can’t lose because even if I did it’d all be the fault of Blairites and the mainstream media and the NEC and we’d demand a new contest, so there’s no risk whatsoever.

“Ah well, fun’s over until next year I suppose. Back to the jam-making.”

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Man passionate about saying he’s a socialist

A 45-YEAR-OLD old man is deeply committed to saying he is a socialist.

Architect Nathan Muir strongly believes in talking about his passionate socialist views, even if he is not entirely clear about what they are.

He said: “For me, being a socialist means being in favour of good things and against bad things.

“Generally improving society in a broad way that doesn’t stop me having all the nice things like expensive Jigsaw jumpers and trips to nice restaurants, even where they pay the waiters below minimum wage, because that is the socialising part of socialism.

“Most of all I believe socialism is about saying you are a socialist in a manly but sensitive voice.”

Last week Muir hired gardener Tom Booker to cut his hedge, but refused to pay him £8 per hour and eventually negotiated a discount for a cash payment.

Booker said: “Because he kept banging on about it, I asked him if his interpretation of socialism leaned more towards communism or social democracy. He went a bit quiet and then said ‘I’m not paying you for idle chit-chat, just cut the bloody hedge’.

“So apparently his type of socialism is about being an arsey twat.”