I'm your prime minister now

Hello there, I am Arlene Foster, leader of the DUP and your new prime minister, and I have a few changes in mind.

I don’t like what you’ve done with this country. There aren’t enough Union Jacks up. None of you are British enough.

Why aren’t you farmers? Farming’s an honest profession. No time for idle hands. Closer to God. Let’s have you all farmers now.

And you do know that Ireland’s in the EU? You can’t trust them. They’re bastards. You don’t know them like I do.

Which areas are your Catholics in? What do you mean they’re not all in one area? That’s ridiculous. You want to be rounding them up.

Chop-chop.

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28-year-old woman has hobbies that would make a Suffragette vomit

A WOMAN who spends all of her free time sewing, baking and ballroom dancing would make the Suffragettes turn in their graves.

Talented graduate Susan Traherne, who could be doing anything, has instead convinced herself she enjoys activities normally associated with Edwardian ladies or overworked scullery maids.

She said: “I spent all day slaving over a hot stove on Sunday. I made buns, bread and a delicious fruit cake which I’ve wrapped in greaseproof paper in the pantry until it’s properly aged.

“My other passion is sewing, but that’s gradually being replaced by crocheting coasters and antimacassars no one uses anymore, which is much more fiddly and time-consuming.

“I’m also into the new trend of folding things very neatly after ironing them. Sadly I’m single at the moment, but one day I’ll have a husband to show what a wonderful house I keep.”

Friend Donna Sheridan said: “She’s begun visiting WH Smith buying pensioner magazines for the knitting patterns. It’s terrifying.

“I tried to educate her by taking her to a museum showing how women became emancipated from domestic slavery, but now she’s set her heart on a mangle.”

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