THE government has explained that using EU-procured medical equipment to save British lives would be high treason punishable by death.
Dominic Raab told press that he had refused to take part in any EU procurement schemes because he loves his country and patriotism is not a dirty word.
He continued: “EU ventilators? Pumping filthy garlic-and-bratwurst stinking EU air into good British lungs? I couldn’t sign off on that with a clear conscience.
“Especially as many of the sick are elderly and voted Brexit. How would they feel, waking up, being told that they owe their very lives to pure evil?
“I didn’t want to be executed at the Tower and my head displayed on a pike, so I pretended I’d lost the email about four times, ordered everyone to lie about it, then ordered them to lie about the lies. I think we can all agree that was the responsible thing to do.”
Joe Turner of Lincoln said: “Brexit means bloody Brexit, and we all knew full well we wouldn’t be taking part in EU-wide procurement schemes for equipment to fight a pandemic when we ticked that box in 2016.”