Keeping Britons alive with EU medical equipment would be treason, explains government

THE government has explained that using EU-procured medical equipment to save British lives would be high treason punishable by death. 

Dominic Raab told press that he had refused to take part in any EU procurement schemes because he loves his country and patriotism is not a dirty word.

He continued: “EU ventilators? Pumping filthy garlic-and-bratwurst stinking EU air into good British lungs? I couldn’t sign off on that with a clear conscience.

“Especially as many of the sick are elderly and voted Brexit. How would they feel, waking up, being told that they owe their very lives to pure evil?

“I didn’t want to be executed at the Tower and my head displayed on a pike, so I pretended I’d lost the email about four times, ordered everyone to lie about it, then ordered them to lie about the lies. I think we can all agree that was the responsible thing to do.”

Joe Turner of Lincoln said: “Brexit means bloody Brexit, and we all knew full well we wouldn’t be taking part in EU-wide procurement schemes for equipment to fight a pandemic when we ticked that box in 2016.”

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Bored flirting woman has 26,410 dates lined up for after lockdown

A WOMAN filling the lockdown days by flirting online has a truly exceptional number of dates lined up for when all this is over. 

Emma Bradford, aged 26, began aimlessly flirting a month ago and now has more than 26 thousand men thinking they are onto a sure post-quarantine thing.

She said: “Some have taken up knitting, others gardening. I’ve chosen to fill my time by texting many, many men in a playful, seductive way.

“It’s like a full-time job at this point. In the morning I’m all over Tinder, and then by the afternoon I’m deep into Bumble and Hinge territory.

“I’m enjoying the attention given that we can’t have any physical contact at the moment, but also I am a little concerned that when lockdown is over I’ve promised dates to basically the population of Kidsgrove.

“Even on three dates a day it’d take me 24 years. I may have to meet them all at the same time, like some kind of expo event. It’s possible I’ve overcommitted myself.”

Tom Logan, aged 31, said: “I can’t wait to see Emma for real. I think we have a real connection. She’s scheduled me for August 2029?”