Keir Starmer's definitely-not-bullshit Desert Island Discs

HI, Keir here. I’ve been given a bit of ‘stick’ for choosing Three Lions as one of my Desert Island Discs. Allow me to reassure you that I genuinely love the following hits: 

World in Motion by New Order

I listen to this 1990 World Cup song at least six times a day. Not because I’m ineptly trying to appeal to patriotic voters, but because John Barnes’s raps are so bloody good. He could have been a British Mos Def.

Waterloo by Abba

There’s nothing like a bit of 70s disco. The fact that the one I’ve chosen is about a famous British military victory is coincidence. I’m sure there are loads of disco tracks about British martial triumphs. I imagine Donna Summer did one about Agincourt.

Street Tuff by Rebel MC and Double Trouble

Talking of the British Mos Def, I think we all remember this 1989 hit as one of the greatest rap songs ever produced, don’t we? Of course we do, and unlike something by say, Stormzy, it isn’t a completely predictable choice that the media will take the piss of.

This Time (We’ll Get it Right) by the 1982 England World Cup squad

Another England football song – I must really like England and football, like voters do! Who could forget the poetic, Dylan-esque lyrics, ‘We’re on our way/ We are Ron’s 22/ Hear the roar/ Of the red, white and blue’, or the haunting vocals of Glenn Hoddle?

In the Army Now by Status Quo

A song that combines two great British institutions: our armed forces and Status Quo. All brave men and women, and while Rick Parfitt and Francis Rossi may never have borne arms for their country, they did do a heroic amount of cocaine.

Vindaloo by Fat Les

I always have this on in the car… no, I’m sorry, this is going too far. Excuse me while I go and give a spad a bollocking.

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Audi driver speeding on M6 cites Lewis Hamilton as his inspiration

AN Audi driver going at 95mph in the outside lane of the M6 has admitted he would never have believed in himself if not for Lewis Hamilton. 

Jordan Gardner confessed that if it was not for the seven-time Formula One champion he may never have had the courage to push his Audi to the limit while weaving in and out of traffic and listening to Euphoria Classics at ear-splitting volume.

He continued: “Yeah, it was always my dream to not only drive fast but be obnoxious with it, ever since I was a little boy in the back of my dad’s Ford Granada.

“But I never thought it was possible until I saw Lewis on the telly and realised that like him I could follow my dream. He motivated me to borrow enough for a second-hand Audi, then borrow more for insurance.

“And from then it was just about abandoning my girlfriend and mates so I could spend every weekend revving it in the garage before bombing it up down the M6 every chance I get.

“Lewis and I have both achieved our lifelong goals. Yes, he’s a record-breaking multi-millionaire who dates some of the most attractive women in the world while being a hero to black children everywhere.

“But he hasn’t got an eight-way speaker system in his car pumping out Basshunter’s Now You’re Gone. So who’s the real winner here?”