Keith Vaz not going to resign because Labour doesn’t really do that anymore

DISGRACED MP Keith Vaz has refused to resign because that is not how Labour works these days. 

Vaz has advised colleagues that hugely negative media coverage, polls showing massive unpopularity among voters and any vote of no confidence will be ignored, because we are in an era of a kinder, gentler politics. 

He said: “As Jeremy Corbyn said I have not committed any crime, voters only think I should resign because the traitorous parliamentary Labour party has plotted against me. 

“Everyone needs to focus on the upside rather than being really judgemental and negative.

“I remain confident I could draw the same numbers to public speaking events around the UK as a mid-level indie band, like maybe Shed Seven or Carter USM if they are still going.”


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Man observing that nights are drawing in thinks nobody else has noticed

A MAN who keeps commenting on the darker evenings does not understand that everyone else is trying to ignore it.

34-year old Tom Booker spends afternoons hovering by a window in his office, remarking on the turning of the leaves and the migration of swallows.

Colleague Donna Sheridan said: “Tom usually seems happy enough with his spreadsheets but since September came he thinks he’s presenting Autumnwatch with an invisible Michaela Strachan.

“He’s been banging on about hawthorn berries and beech nuts as if autumn is some sort of halcyon period, rather than the beginning of the hideous, despairing slide into the depths of winter.

“I can do without being reminded that soon I’ll be going to work in the dark, leaving work in the dark and leaching Vitamin D left, right and centre until I feel so depressed that I want to jam my hand in the shredder.

“Only the worst kind of masochistic idiot and the elderly enjoy discussing this sort of thing.”

Booker said: “I’ve never been that fussed about autumn before. But invisible Michaela Strachan is really fit.”