Labour 'only doing better because May is utterly shit'

LABOUR should not assume they are great just because voters really loathe Theresa May, experts have warned.

Delegates at the party conference have been advised that recent electoral gains could be entirely due to May being incredibly shit at everything political.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “There may be some public interest in Labour’s policies but it’s more likely voters thought, ‘I’d rather vote for a dead squirrel than May.’

“It’s assumed Corbyn is respected for his principles, but it could just be that he doesn’t wear brown leather flares or belted trouser suits that make him look like one of Dr No’s henchmen.

“As a result Labour could face a tough electoral battle if the Tories replace May with literally anyone who isn’t her, whether it’s a random woman from a cafe or the Chuckle Brothers.”

Voter Nikki Hollis said: “I think what appeals to me most about Labour is the way Theresa May isn’t in it.”

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UK responds thoughtfully to German election with Hitler jokes

BRITONS have responded to the worrying rise of the far-right in Germany with thoughtful, well-considered Hitler jokes, it has emerged.

After Alternative fur Deutschland won a large share of the vote, the intelligent and measured British reaction was to joke about the Nazis and extremely well-worn Germanic stereotypes.

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “I’m surprised the AfD did so well because I assumed they’d be driving around in their panzers trying to pinch all the sun loungers!

“Personally a revival of the German far-right doesn’t worry me, because as Corporal Jones said, ‘They don’t like it up ‘em!’. Ha ha.”

Bishop then amused colleagues by singing the wartime song about Hitler having one testicle, although the relevance to the 2017 Bundestag election was unclear.

Teacher Tom Logan said: “History has taught us we have to take the far-right in Germany very seriously.

“Sorry, I just got distracted thinking about the Fallen Madonna with ze Big Boobies.”