Labour to be renamed ‘Labour, I Suppose’

THE Labour Party is rebranding itself with the phrase that is used by its voters.

After failing to win an election based on a positive appeal to voters, Labour has embraced its future as the default choice of pragmatists who dislike the Conservatives.

A spokesman said: “We also considered ‘Obviously I Can’t Vote Lib Dem So, Yeah, Labour’ but that would require much larger and more expensive badges. We are nothing if not financially prudent.

“Labour tried to be the anti-supposing party. Ed Miliband tried to make us the Labour, Hell Yeah! Party but that was obviously stupid and wrong.

“From now on, Labour, I Suppose will be the party for disenfranchised, tired cynics who expect nothing but compromise and mediocrity. We will deliver.”

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We’re still very nasty, says Al-Qaeda

AL-QAEDA chiefs admit they have slipped well below ISIS in the world’s evil league table.

The terror group’s slump in form has seen them overtaken by ISIS, Boko Haram, Russia, North Korea and Network Rail.

And while the terror group used to have its pick of promising young radicals, it is increasingly reliant on unpaid interns using it to pad CVs before moving on to lucrative martyrdoms with more prestigious groups.

Al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri said: “A drone circled overhead yesterday, carrying a full payload of missiles, but the moment it recognised us it flew off.

“I doubt we’ll even get invited to Kim Jong-un’s birthday this year.”

One Al-Qaeda intern said: “I spend the day cold-calling, asking people if they’d be interested in some terror. People are polite but they’ve always got their evil needs covered by another provider.

“I wish I’d taken that traineeship with British Gas.”