Local man to front 'Don't Know' campaign

FATHER-OF-TWO Tom Logan is to front the ‘Don’t Know’ campaign, it has emerged.

Bristol-based Logan, who knows the basics of politics, believes he’s the perfect man for the job as he genuinely does not know who to vote for in the EU referendum.

He said: “I feel very strongly that I don’t know which way to vote or why. I don’t like or trust anyone involved and it all seems rather complicated.

“That’s why we are calling for more information, or perhaps less information because all the information is confusing. To be honest I don’t really know what we want.”

Nikki Hollis, deputy leader of the Don’t Know campaign, told a packed news conference: “I don’t know either. We’re suddenly being asked to think about hardcore economics when we only normally think about more interesting things like going on holiday or television crime drama.

“It’s hard to say what we should do, and it’ll be equally hard to know whether it was the right thing after we’ve done it, because we won’t have done the other thing.

“That’s our message. I think that’s our message anyway. Is that a message?”

The gathered crowd then chanted “We don’t know, we don’t know, we don’t know” as Hollis left the stage.

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Jesus returns to save Top Gear

JESUS has returned to earth with a plan to save Top Gear even if it means dying in the process.

After witnessing humanity’s despair over the once-popular motoring show, Jesus has decided that divine intervention is needed for the first time in 2,000 years.

Jesus said: “Top Gear has lost its way, like the sheep in the parable, so God and I have come up with some format changes.

“I’ll be replacing Chris Evans as the main presenter. That’s not a criticism of him, it’s just that I can perform miracles so I’ll be able to do stunts that piss on Hammond’s jet car.

“In my first episode I’m going from London to Hawaii in a Ford Mustang by driving on the sea at 1,000mph, then for comic relief there’ll be an Austin Allegro getting eaten by a real T-rex.

“There’s still the problem of it not being the same without Jeremy Clarkson, so I have fashioned a new Clarkson out of clay and breathed life into him.

“If the ratings are still low I’m prepared to be crucified on top of a Ferrari Testarossa that gets driven into the Grand Canyon by the Devil and explodes. I think viewers will be interested in that.

“In the meantime I’m bringing back Quentin Wilson to do proper reviews of affordable cars, because they were humorous but also informative.”